Being a sibling Being a sibling of six kids has not been easy for me. I am not the oldest but I am not the youngest either, I sit in the middle of them all. I have more of a spiritual connection to them than they do to me and I hurt from the things they say and do. Our relationships are so distant and boring when we are are around each other. My oldest brother has been missing since I was nineteen, the last time I seen him he was travelling with the circus and on drugs as all circus employees eventually tend to do if they are weak minded, he called the police on himself and left. The funny thing is him and our father share the same name and nobody even knew he called the police. When the police arrived he was no where to be found and my dad is standing there looking retarded in the face because he been drinking while I am standing in the doorway laughing.The whole explanation of the phone call was hilarious and my dad has his mouth wide open. when the police left my dad said "that motherfucker". the next to the oldest is a girl, she has a heart of pure gold but can be mean and will cut you off faster than you can clip a nail. Her and I have no main issues and I do miss her a lot. Although she is not far I think there is a reason she moved so far away from family. Even today I haven't spoken with her since she had her surgery and that was on my mom's phone. The oldest middle child has been in trouble majority of his life and has spent a total of nineteen years behind bars in two different cities and still counting. He was incarcerated at the age of sixteen for grand larceny, he was sentenced to thirty years and served sixteen and came home, he was doing well eventually it became obvious he was doing some type of drug because he started to change as a person. He turned into somebody I could not recognize and all I could do was pray. He ended up getting incarcerated again and doing three more years. You would think after Nineteen years in jail somebody would learn to survive in the real world to avoid losing their freedom. It's not that easy though, sometime people who sit in jail for years on years end up being institutionalized mentally and physically. The younger they are the more likely they are to become dependent on any and everybody because they have no clue on how to take care of themselves. Going to prison at sixteen for him and being released at thirty-two was the icing on the cake. He went from being cared for by our mother to being cared for by the system, not knowing what it's like to have to work hard for what you want, all he knows is I can take it. When they released him after sixteen years he should have went to a half-way house before coming straight home. At least that way he would have some restrictions to follow which would show him to respect other people's rules. He would have had to maintain a job so he can see how it feels to work hard for something and he would not be able to roam the real world freely his access to the real world would be limited. he would be able to see how much the world has changed since he left and get more caught up with the times. Today he is currently back in jail for breaking into two different liquor stores five times because he never received the proper help for his problems. I cant tell you how many drugs he has done, I can't tell you the depths of his life, but I can tell you he needs professional help, not just someone to talk to. I hate to say it but he is a professional thief and can take anything regardless of the situation. My heart hurts for him but at the same time I blame him because it was like he did not want to learn anything different than what he already knew if it was not an easy come up. After him is another boy, he is the quiet one but will turn into something scary if needed. he comes around if he does not have to work but he stays away more. you may be able to reach him on social media, if he is on, but it may take a few hours maybe even day to get a response. He is really a loner and lives a private life and chooses who he is going to reach out to. He has never really changed but he grew apart form the family in his own way and there is nothing wrong with that. I am next in line, no my life has not been all peaches and cream, I have been incarcerated, homeless and depressed. Being that I am the oldest daughter my father has with my mother I was expected to do so much but didn't have the support system I needed. by the time I was in eighth grade I had already been to three different schools so stability was always slacking. The summer of my eighth grade year I was molested by my uncle on my fathers side and told not to tell anybody but I already had. The same night I was molested I informed my uncle's wife because she had three girls to look after and ran away.I ended up fighting her for the next three years. That situation turned my life around because before that I would no allow any guy t do nothing sexual to me other than kiss me. I started experimenting sexually without penetration then eventually I graduated to sex. I was more interested in guys than I ever was before by the eleventh grade I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. Before it actually happened to me I never understood how it affects a females mind. Regardless of her age it will have some type of affect on her, it makes us feel as though we did something wrong or it lowers our self-esteem. For me, I loss a lot of self-esteem and the guys were no help because They would always tell me I look good from the neck down. I started stripping in the tenth grade but I never did clubs because I was too young so it was only private parties mostly thrown by me, all while maintaining my grades and cheering for a recreational team. I got wild and I am not proud of it but within my mistakes I learned a lot. My worth was one of them and I had to rebuild my self-esteem and learn to take pride in who I am. by the time I was twenty-eight I had three kids and lost one in a custody battle when she was four. I had to pay child support, got locked up for not paying child support and caught criminal charges. Today I am in a happy relationship and have all three of my girls, although it took some time I accomplished some of my goals and I have a man who is willing to be by my side through it all. Next is my headache but two-thirds of my heartbeat, she is a sweet-heart but has a evil side that is just plain evil. She has a great personality but she is just mean for no damn reason. It's like she forgot we went through some shit with our parents together. I also protected her from some of it as well. At one point in time if I went somewhere she was right there with me unless she was too young to go. All of a sudden she was too self-absorbed to see what was in front of her in regards to family. Not one time did she extend a hand to watch my kids while I go to work so i could maintain my home but every time she needed me I was there. Not one time did I spread any rumors about her or say anything negative in regards to her or her life. I honestly feel as though she is upset because she expected more from me but haven't taken into consideration that I was left to help with the bills at mom and dads because her boyfriend parents or guardians came to my first home with the police looking for him because he was filed as a runaway in Hampton. Granted what I was doing was illegal but if they didn't have a reason to come they would n't have been there. today she is doing very well and pregnant with her third child but our relationship is rocky and almost non-existent. Out of all of my sibling I though she would be the main one I could call and talk to or even get advice from, although I am the oldest, I do not know everything. I am honestly proud of who she has become and what she has made of her life, I just wish we could be as close as we use to be before she hit puberty. Last but not least is my baby sister, she was kept a secret for the first few years of her life until things got out in the open. She was the outcast out of all of us. Nobody but me wanted her around and that was very clear. she is just like the rest of us in her own way, because we share a father we all ave something that keeps us connected physically. We all resemble him in one way or the other,she is his female twin and she holds so much animosity towards him for neglecting his responsibilities. She has an amazing personality and so much to look forward to but at the same time she is facing so much right now as her life progresses. We communicate more than any of the others and that is because I accepted her with open arms, although she is not my mother's child. In my heart, she did not choose to be put in the middle of this situation and she should not have to suffer for his wrong doings. Her mother raised a strong woman with exceptional learning abilities. All in all we all have our own problems and are working on them in own way or we have just grown apart form each other. I love each and every one of my siblings and wish them nothing but the best. One thing they do need to know is my phone line is always open and I would love to hear from them more often. A phone call goes a long way and i hate that we have grown to be this way. The last boy needs prayer and help, so to all of you reading this please keep us in your prayers. Thanks for taking the time to read my personal thoughts and some of my life. I am deeply sorry for keeping you guys waiting and not at least popping in but I am hoping to post a little more since my life is calming down.

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I found love in a familiar face and I was not too sure about it, He has always been around I just never knew about it who would have thought it would be you? All grown up and learning life's rules doing the things a real man should do! you love me for me and I love you for you! through it all I will still stick it through! Never not once have I thought of you or thought i would love you the way i do. But as time passed and our conversation grew, my heart just tuned into you No one else can take your place, You are the only man in this race! i have been in this race with poise and grace. keeping my lead while keeping faith Love is not a one way race,it takes two, your spouse and you. You and I are standing strong, loving hard and holding our own! Taking each day and making it count. We have build a bond so tight, I cant see me without him every night! Our bodies fit perfect, our minds are a unit, our live have intertwined. whats was mine is now ours and the other way around! You are my king and you wear that crown well, making me more calm and relaxed. So i wear the crown of you queen with pride, ready to take this lifelong ride. You make my heart skip a beat, your touch makes me feel unique. My skin tingles at the touch of just a finger, mentally driving me crazy. I promise to be all you may ever need and support your every dream.

As a parent we all have the tendency to step in where we are not wanted but most of us know exactly when we are needed. We love, provide and care for any individual we see fit which includes giving advice. Most of the time our advice comes from experience, our care comes from learning and our providing comes from practice. Our main goal is to try and prevent at least one young adult in our paths from going down the same road as us. No matter what we say though somebody always takes it the wrong way and gets defensive or you are being a little too honest. Personally I have not mastered letting them admit their own problem but asking key questions that makes them think and it does not always turn out right. Example.... I was having a conversation with my oldest daughter and I asked her one simple question "Do you really think you should be more focused on that?" Immediately she got defensive and started showing irritation. I am sitting there saying to myself "Really? I only asked one question!". Now i have a million questions going through my mind and I really don't want to ask. At this point she is asking me questions and I don't know how to answer because she is already on the defense but I am saved because she won't give me a chance to answer. She never screamed or yelled but she did raise her voice slightly and that's when I over step her every time. This is a example with an adult. At work and she just can't seem to find a rhythm, so I start giving little tips like glance at each box before it gets to you. One day a box got stuck in the chute she tells the proper people and I just let her know Me:it's does that when it's dry. Her: Oh, you just know everything! Me: I pay attention to my job! What is wrong with people? Why do I feel like I am the only sane person? Why are opinions so hard to handle? Is facing the truth that hard for some people that they would rather be the aggressor? Never allow those sour apples to kill the whole tree! No matter what type of advice you give keep giving bbq it somebody may need it one day.

Intuition or just a dream I normally don't dream but when I do it is always a reality check. When I was younger I always thought it was just a dream until I started paying more attention to them. It started out with dreams of fights, New clothes or shoes and parties. I would always tell my friends it was deja vu. Everybody would look at me crazy and laugh. Now here I am looking at my actual dream in reality and I don't know how to handle it. I had to learn how to keep such things to myself. As I got older the dreams warned me of more dangerous things. Every time I did something illegal I would have a dream that a huge bear was chasing me through some unknown wood and I ran out of places to go and needed up at a ledge. It was either get caught or die! Symbolically i had a better chance of surviving a bear attack than jumping off a cliff. I always woke up at the end of the dream until one day I was dead sleep and slept all the way through and chose to get caught. I was 18 when I completed that dream and caught my first charge. Then my dreams graduated to men, if I caught feeling or even liked you my mental will let me know how to carry things with you. My very first dream about a man was when I met my oldest daughters father. I fell for him so quick because I was young, I was only 16. I did not understand the dream at first because it was out of the normal and I was not really into guys like that. I was a more free spirit, I didn't want to be in a committed relationship, I wanted to enjoy life. Since I was hiding from my feelings and acting out of character my mental brought me back to reality. I dreamed that he was cheating on me with several other women, some of which I knew. Which explained why I always got those crazy looks from other females. My heart held on to him for twenty years and today we are distant friends for our child.a while after they graduated to feelings, I could always tell when the police were close because I would have cramps and I didn't even have this when I had my menstrual. In the midst of all of that, my mental decided to tell me a little more about myself and help me realize that I am gifted. I understood that I was going to be more than what meets the eye and had to figure out how to accept and piece it all together. Some of my dreams would come in pieces on different days but never back to back. Before my father put me out of his house I dreamed that we would get into a big fight, again, and it would hurt the both of us. I tried to avoid it but he was a alcoholic at the time and he was always angry and talking out the side of his neck. He was still my heart tho, regardless of what we went through, he will always be my main man right below my higher power. That night I dreamed of a baby, I knew I wasn't pregnant so I didn't even think twice about it. Six months later I find out I am two months pregnant. In my mind I am saying "This shit is Crazy! Why do I have this gift? Why did he choose Me? Then the thoughts of me being in a shitty apartment with little to no heat, ten foot ceilings and a boyfriend who is just nonchalant. I cried about it all for weeks until I had another dream. This dream was more positive which was probably because I was deeply depressed. These dreams affect me in a major way and I never thought I would be able to handle it for the rest of my life. These dreams will have me up and down all night, mentally woke just because I don't want to know how it ends. Sitting up watching tv at two in the morning, not even really looking at the tv just thinking about what I am about to face. That's when I started training my body to be ready for anything. I was happy to have people who would call me at one in the morning for stupid stuff. I wanted somebody to wake me up because I never knew when the dream would come. I would pray not to have those dreams but I realized how important my gift was to me. It would help me protect my heart from hurt and disappointments, if I paid any attention to them. Sometimes my heart would override my dream and I couldn't control it. I felt stupid, crazy and suicidal all at once but not a soul knew. Even today I still have those dreams and they only come when I have either let my guard down too much or thinking about doing something dangerous. My most recent dream is a little too much for me right now. I am head over heels for this guy and I am giving him and my kids my all. I am so confused but certain that or if he is all mine (If that makes any sense). I have been tossing and turning in my sleep all night since about one in the morning about this. I don't know if my dreams are trying to make me a lonely bitter woman or if I should actually believe what it's telling me right now. My mind is dangerous and it scares the hell out of me. I always said I have trust issues and now I don't even trust myself. Should I believe in my gift? or should I continue to live my life for what it is? I am certain that I have a good man in my corner right now because we did not just meet, we have been knowing each other for years back when my gift was New to me. Somebody give me some advice because I would hate to make a dumb or drastic decision. Patience is one thing I don't have when it comes to my heart! Y'all can call me crazy or whatever y'all want but I know what I go through!

My search for love I have had the lazy guy who wants nothing out of life who asked me to be his wife. I politely declined because my life was mine and he won't bring me down. I have had the quiet guy, who has nothing to say at any given time, so I stopped wasting mine. I have had that momma' s boy , who wants you to do everything like his mother. Not me honey, I will not succumb to such, i am only your lover At this point is when I wondered if I would find true love. Contemplating and waiting for the right man. Next I had that man who wants nothing but sex, Baby it's more to me than that! Then the man who wanted my house, sorry boo this not a halfway or boarding house. I finally realized love don't use or abuse you in any shape or form. Love is more than what we think, it's everything from acceptance to years. I thought this guy was more than what it seemed but he wasn't in it for me he wanted my money, so I went on a budget. I thought after all this I would be lonely and depressed but love found me while I was at my near best. He amazes me every time I see him, he makes me feel wanted. He makes me feel safe. He listens and talks. He works and likes his own money. He knows what his priorities are. And he loves me for me. It was a hard path to walk but I found love!

Government shutdown This is a topic open for discussion. I really want to see what others have to say because so many people have so many thoughts about it. I just want you guys to feel as though your opinions and thoughts are accepted and heard. This situation has been mind-blowing, it's very hard to believe our country endured all this for a wall. What is our country turning into? Will we be living in a new slave age? Is the wall to keep us in? What kind of dangers will be coming next? Will they ever focus more on the missing than the uninvited? There are a million questions that society has right now but have no answers. In my honest opinion, this presidency was another knot on his belt of success. He has no clue what he is doing for our country. Why is he so secretive about his life? He has taken presidency and made a joke bout of it by acting as if he can't be touched, impeached or even as little as investigated. Why does Milania look like she wants no part in his shenanigans? Even his son disagrees with some of the things he does. Don't get me wrong now there are benefits to this wall. So far I can only see one. It will provide border safety but then they have to spend more money to employ the proper security for every part of this wall. That leaves our government trying to find out where more money will come from to provide the funds for more border security. No matter how you look at it this situation puts more financial strain on the government. What about the emigrants who fly here on private planes or catch the bus? There will always be ways for emigrants to enter the states, they will figure out a way. He has cause so many people to lose so many things in as little as 30 days and he has no regrets about it. Why should we be forced to work without pay? Why should our children go hungry? Why must our bills be past due? We strive for a better life just as well as the next person in line for presidency or even previous presidents and individuals of the Republican and democratic parties. Our lives are being played with and he is like a kid in a toy store. Think about your choices real hard before making a decision while voting. Most candidates just say what the community wants to hear so they can say "I did it!".

Life as a cab driver During the time that I have been driving cabs I have noticed that it's good money in driving cabs and it's real laid back and cool. It has it's up days and it's down days, but should not be considered as a main income depending on the city you are in. Now don't get me wrong some cab drivers make real good money doing it but that is mainly because they have specials they have on a daily basis. For those who don't know a special is someone who call for a specific cab number or driver. In some cases that should be more rare the trip is never called over the air because the dispatcher is throwing trips. In this situation a conflict is caused between the driver and the dispatcher. Then you have those drunks who know where they going but don't wanna tell you or leave your cab smelling like a distillery and as soon as they get in you have the urge to throw up in your mouth. Due to meeting so many different people daily you see so many different attitudes and have at least 4 passengers who just have a nasty ora a week. I love driving cabs but I hate for somebody to mess with my money. Accidents, drama, etc will have me on another level because I have got so much to look forward to and you can't do anything without cash. In order for me to strive in this field I have to find a way to release this anger. My money is my way of living as a parent I am trying to avoid doing the wrong thing to maintain... Because the streets do offer more money. I would rather do something legal than illegal so this is what I'm stuck with until something else comes through..