who is waiting for you

 Some people have no clue what they want, and they have lost their person because of it. When they finally realize what is happening, they start to question themselves and what they want. Mentally they are confused and know that you are their person and still make drastic decisions based off of only them. Those decisions leave them in a whirlwind of questions with no real answers. sometimes they expect for you to be patient with them and wait while others just up and leave and try to come back later. Either way, not one person should even waste their energy and wait for anyone. You have so many other options available to explore and take your time with to find the one who will cherish your energy. I know dating nowadays can be a headache but why hinder yourself from something that may be a blessing to you. 

From my own personal perspective, I love hard and when I do fall for someone it is not easy to move on. It takes time and these men do not give you that. They do what they can to try and pressure you into doing what they want and could care less how it makes you feel. After eight years in a relationship with a younger man who should have been off limits, I refuse to allow another man close enough to me to hurt me. Anything that may cause any type of bond, I refuse to do it with any man who does not want to put in the work for my love. 

You cannot come into my life and expect me to just fall in line with what you want or how you feel while ignoring me. I will not respect any man who has an ego bigger than him. I refuse to lower my standards to make a man's dream life come true. I refuse to carry all the weight of the relationship while he sits back and watch me drain myself. I will not build a bond doing anything with anyone at this point, so do not ask. 

These are all reasons why we should not wait for anyone to decide that we are enough in their life because we know our worth and how we want to be treated. Never allow anyone to blind you with the rainbows and sunny skies that happen in the beginning. If they do not know let them figure it out on their own. 

Grieving during the holidays

The holidays can be hard and stressful, especially if there are some people who are no longer with the living. That makes it harder to go throughout the day, but we still have to manage. Sometimes we never really have time to grieve, and we just continue with life. When you actually have the time, it hits hard and makes you deal with the feeling you have pushed down for months or years. Dealing with those hidden feelings brings so much to the surface and may break you for a few hours. The memories you will never forget. The laugh that is etched in your brain. The one dance move they will always be remembered for is a staple in gatherings now. Their favorite drink is an homage to them on any day. 

The little things in life make you smile and cry because of the thought of having to continue life as if they never left. Spiritually they never did, but the view is no longer there. You never know how much you will miss someone. I have more than one someone but there is one that I have not dealt with in any way because I did not have time to be weak. That is my father, he was a great dad to me and my siblings. He stepped in for my brother, stepped up for my mom and did his best our entire lives. Yes, no family is perfect but through it all he was always there. 

His spirit was so full of fun and life that he would not let anything hold him back. He is the reason I am so strong today, but without him it is hard. Sometimes I just wish I could hug him so tight and cry my eyes out. Even though he would tell me to stop all that crying and do what I need to do. I love my dad so much and I hate that I limited how much I showed him. I should have showered him with every piece of love I have for him and never let up no matter what. 

I should have given him everything I thought he deserved and more. I should have put my pride to the side and forgave him for trusting the wrong person. I held him accountable for years and through it all he still found a way to teach me some things.  It is because of him that I can change my own tire, check my own oil, use a monkey wrench, paint, fix anything. He taught me a lot all the way through adulthood, even when he couldn't get to me, he would walk me through it. I remember when I was on the way back to Newport News, VA from Augusta, GA and I ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere, my phone died and my daughter was in the passenger seat sleep. I locked all the doors because it was the middle of the night, put my phone down so it could get some juice and cried for about 30 mins.  

My daughter finally woke up because she heard me crying and realized her phone was dead too. That made me feel defeated until I checked my phone and noticed it had 30% and decided to call my parents. My mom was just as lost as I was, but my dad gave me directions to the nearest highway. He was my human GPS because he drove all over these highways in his truck. He taught me to never give up there is always a way.

Happy Thanksgiving.......

Wishing you guys well. Please drive safe and enjoy your surrondings.

Pride Arrives

 My faith in myself has grown so much in the last few days just by me isolating and allowing myself to dig deep into those feelings that nobody wants to deal with. No. it was not easy, but it also was not as hard as I thought it would be.  I cried so many tears of disappointment, hurt, disgrace and disloyalty that I was drained. Although I was drained, I kept going and it brought me here. As a traumatized female with several emotional illness', it can be hard to proud of myself when life is not going the way I expect them to go. Sometimes I honestly want to give up but at the same damn time I have too much pride to do that to myself. There have been many times that I was proud of myself and there will be many more. I fight so many battles on a weekly basis I don't even think it is fair to me on any level. I never wanted my life to be so hard. I never wanted to be so closed off. I never asked to be left alone until I knew I had no choice. Being alone has been one of the best things that has come out of my life because it allows me to look back and find out where I neglected myself. 

During that process I have found out how resilient I am in life and how I never allow something to keep me down too long. I am a strong woman who can do anything she puts her mind to but has had a terrible habit of dimming her light because she is scared of the spotlight. I would rather be the person behind the scenes because I don't have to deal with the judgement of the world. I have learned that sometimes your fear is where you should be headed. 

I refuse to allow any fear of mine to continue to hold me back and i will push forward and persevere in everything life brings. I have had such a hard time because I refused to face my fears. Today I am taking pride in who I am, what I can do, and I am going to keep pushing forward and thrive like I should have years ago. No longer will I be dimming my light because I do not like attention or the surrounding because sometimes you have to stand in a room with your critics and let you light shine.

 I am proud of who I am how I can perfect anything I do in a short amount of time. I am proud of who my mother raised and who my father created. I have never broken when I was left to deal with something on my own. I am who I am! I may not have it all now, but I will soon. Life will no longer have ahold on me for whatever it chooses. I will stand in my purpose and do what I am called to do. I am finding my purpose and from what I can see my purpose is to tell my story and many more.

As the saying goes "We are our own worst critics", and until we realize that we are putting our energy in places it should not be we will not have success. the process will be scary and one fear we all have is failing, but in order to succeed you have to fail at least once. It's a learning process that scares the shit out of majority of us, but I am here to tell you the more faith you have in self the more you will be willing to go forward. 

blocking out memories is the worst

 I have this thing I do when I am not happy with someone physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. I can understand blocking out trauma like SA, physical abuse, mental abuse, etc., but to block out the memories of a person for other reasons is kind of crazy. I have forgotten simple things about a person i was still talking to because it seemed like they did not care. I have blocked out sexcapades with an individual because he was lacking in the area I was using. I have blocked out memories of family members. The craziest part is I literally have no remorse about forgetting certain things. Then there is a time when you get a reminder of why you blocked out the memory and you are instantly pissed at yourself. All because they may make up for the memory you blocked out in plenty other ways.

You don't want to be an ass so you just thug it out for the moment. You even wonder if they know about it and how they would feel if you said something. Sometimes you honestly just want to blurt it out and don't give a damn how they feel because why? you start wondering " WTF was I thinking?", " Whose idea was it to create some shit like this?". Now you are asking all kinds of questions because now you are so upset with yourself for even opening that door back up. When you finally lighten up on yourself you laugh about the whole situation and this time you remember.

During the visit you want to ask questions like, what time you leaving? What time do you have to be at work? You try to throw every hint in the book that the day or night is over, but they are missing every single one. It's like their ears are velcroed down and they can only hear what they want. When you finally get some space, the relief is imminent and amazing, the shower is even better and that memory lasts forever.

 I am a Pisces and for me each day is different, every day your mood changes. I love hard and regret I later.  Sometimes we wake up and we are perfectly fine. Others we have a hard time dealing, mentally, so we just want to isolate. As we isolate it gives us a chance to figure out what it is that we will be doing to better our day, mental state, or emotional state. As a Pisces, I can actually say that is not something easy to do with us. We are definitely a handful and if you are not ready to deal with more than one world then haul ass. We are protective, caring, nurturing, but we can also have the worst attitude. We are not too hard to deal with; in my eyes we just understand the amount of love we give off. The version you get depends on the version you give. We can be your everything as long as the same energy is reciprocated and we are lovers. 

Personally, I do not expect much from anybody who comes in my life because if they want to be here, they will automatically do what needs to be done. I am not begging one person to stay in my life because I live in a different world most times anyway. No matter where I go, I always find my mental corner, even if it is sitting in the middle of the event. I do not have to talk to anyone while I am out. I like to be left alone to enjoy whatever it is that I am doing. I do not like attention but sometimes you have to use what you have to get what you want. I have this ora that attracts so many in real life why not utilize it and monetize it? 

I wish I could turn this ora down but unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. I don't want to be yelled at from moving traffic, while sitting at stop lights, or even while in a parking lot. I am a relationship person who is very emotionally, mentally, and spiritually aware of their surroundings. Being intuitive and aware can hurt in so many ways, I feel like I have to have entirely too much self-control because not only am I feeling my feeling but the people closest to me as well. It is something I have tried to change over the years but unfortunately, it's just me! So, I have learned to block my feelings, which is super hard for me, but hey, I make it happen.

The Aftermath

 After all that has been said and done things still do not turn around. Seems as though things are getting harder and harder to manage. The doors you try to open that you really do not want to stay closed. You start to feel you r anxiety trying to make an appearance, but you just keep thinking about the last time she showed up. She showed her tail, and you are still trying to come back from it. Whilst pushing her back you continue to push forward for whatever it is that is current. Ignoring the dating world, isolating yourself and trying to focus on what needs to be done. Since there are no hard feeling between the two you do still communicate and you may see him, he has no clue that the tears in your eyes are no longer from him. Those are tears of disappointment in yourself. 

Just the thought of him does not hurt like it used to, what is getting you at this moment is how you fucked up. All your mind is saying is "It was not supposed to be this way!", " What the fuck have I done?", " What can I do to fix my life?" and you constantly wonder what is wrong with you. grieving anything is done in a process, sometimes that process includes self-reassurance. With the way life has been going lately, I think we all need a little reassurance. We are making decision that we are unsure of and leaving all caution to the wind and somehow some of us come out on top but then there are the others. 

 Which leaves me to think we are the minority. We are the one the whole world has no hope in, and we still strive everyday just to keep breathing. We are the ones who go unnoticed every minute of every day. We are the ones who fight our battles in silence and deal with emotional disabilities. We are the ones whom nobody sees our battles and how it leaves us feeling because we paint a beautiful picture because we are never seen anyway. 

Somethings wrong II

 In his mind he was leaving me in a good position because I had a car and a home while his was broken and he was going to stay with family for a while. He did not take into consideration that I had all of these things to do on such a low income. He did get a new tire for the car before leaving but after his announcement my brain was preparing to go into overdrive to survive. I spent all day out in these streets driving, I wanted to take a day off and knew I did not have the time or money. I never realized what all of this running was doing to me, I just knew I had to do it. I pushed myself so hard I had no clue how tired I was. I used coffee to keep me going on some night others I called it quits. 

I felt drained every morning and never paid it any attention, that Friday I woke up, got dressed and headed out to make some more money without thinking twice about it. I worked until 3, went to five and below, did a favor for my uncle, helped my mom and I made it home by 6. While at five and below I ran into a family friend who informed me of one of my sisters in laws birthday party. Being that I had not been out in so long and needed an outlet to help with my emotions I planned to go. Not even an hour later my sister calls me to inform me of the same event while my uncle is telling me as well. I then find out we are meeting at 9 at the club, remember I got home at 6 had to shower and get dressed then go back to pick my uncle up for the event.  While at the event I am having a good time. I am not allowing my heartache to intervene with my night. I had 3 drinks by 1:20a.m and we left at 1: 45a.m, I took my uncle back home and was headed home until my sister called me to come to her house.

 Now even now I am fine, no radio, no nothing to entertain me while I ride. I get to her house, and we are chilling, as I am sitting there my brain says, "Go home!" so around 2:45 I decide to go home. This is the first time since my ex broke up with me that I honestly wanted to be at home. As I am on my way home I am talking to a friend on the phone. Our conversation ends a little after 3a.m, I am literally around the corner from my house, I turn the corner to go down a winding street before reaching my house and my eyes get heavy, my brain says "stop" but it too late. I fall asleep behind the wheel and hit a park car. This night I caught 3 charges and luckily avoided jail. 

My car is totaled, my brain is wrecked, my anxiety is high, and I am lost at this point. I have no clue how I am going to manage without transportation. I felt as though my life was falling apart. I laid in bed all night trying to sleep and couldn't, I just laid there tossing and turning for hours on end. I honestly got about three hours of sleep in a twenty-four-hour time period. 

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