Recovery

After months of feeling lost, weeks of feeling depressed, I finally got enough courage to say enough is enough. Today I woke up feeling like it is time for me to let go and heal, since healing is the hardest for me. I do not hold grudges, but I will never let anyone else treat me any way the made me feel some type of way before. So, I will always remember the feeling I felt at that moment. I will always remember how I felt when I felt belittles, condescended, or inadequate. I have never been made to feel as though I was not enough but to know that feeling, I apologize to everyone who had to endure that. 

    Feeling like you not enough no matter what you do is a terrible feeling that hangs on to you even after the breakup. The inadequacy of the whole situation leaves you wondering if it was genuine or was it a game. When it is okay for someone to feel or go through something but not you something has to change. You start to dig deep inside yourself and try to monetize every hour of the day and end up wearing yourself out. I have overexerted myself to the point of a fresh start, only thing missing is a new place. Which will come sooner than I think as long as I keep pushing forward. 

     What makes today different is the calmness I feel inside me. Today I just feel like I need to make a change and let my heart rest. I will no longer be pressed; I will let him watch me and I will not regret it. I am a work in progress, and I am healing from a lot of traumas piece by piece. One day soon I will be whole again and life will be better.

I woke up broken

Breaking up is not always easy for either person involved. Just having to make the decision to leave or let go without a fight is hard, especially when you really love that person. I'm not talking about that temporary love, I am talking about that life seems empty without your love. Waking up every day feels so different. Just doing daily tasks feels wrong and purposeless, so you have to figure out a way to continue to move on daily. It is even harder if you have depression or anxiety and refuse to take your medications because of the side effects. Leaving your heart super heavy, your mind wandering, and it feels like your life is spiraling out of control. Not a single night is easy, especially if you still have everything the two of you shared together. Just laying in bed feels so good because that is the most memorable spot because the two of you spent so much personal time together in the room watching tv, playing the game, etc. All you can think about is what caused the breakup and what could have been done differently on your part. Constantly beating yourself up mentally has become a part of you daily activities and you feel so lost. Time seems to be going faster, and life seems to be getting harder due to rising prices. The lack of support is visible, the lack of understanding is confusing, the abundance of emotions is inevitable. Desperation starts to knock, and you ignore every knock while trying your hardest to stay on the right path. You end up at war with yourself because you blame yourself for everything. Making yourself feel worse than anybody else can because you are your own worst critic. you blame yourself for even trying, hoping, and/or praying that it will work. You blame yourself for opening your heart, arms, and/or doors allowing this person to get so close. You find every way to blame yourself and not the other person regardless of the fact because you should have had you. You start to realize every single fault and turn your frustrations towards the other individual and now you are on a whole different level of aggression. Now you gave to figure out how to channel that energy or where to put it. Out of all of the emotional turmoil you know there is still a chance, but will the wait be worth the emotional distress you went through in the beginning? Is all the backlash you endured for being stupid worth it? Will you ever see them the same? Then there are so many questions about the other person involved, good and bad, making you question if you want to open that door back up. It's a process that is so painful to most that it causes them to isolate if not even more than before. It causes so many emotional problems that are not easy to overcome, even if you decide to open up again. Every bit of pain you endured during the process causes you to build walls and put yourself in a marble.

Loving the wrong person at the wrong time

The last few years have been amazingly crazy, I fell in love with a friend of mine's little brother, regardless of what this story say he is growing into an amazing man. We were 7 years part and none of this was intentional, I have not seen this man since he was in middle school. I never looked at him in any other way until this day. One day after work I decided to go out to this bar called Roadside, as I am chilling outside smoking a cigarette because it's a smoke free establishment, he walks up. When he walks up, I can't believe how grown he got. I was completely shocked. When I called his name, he turned around and looked at me with a smile. As i finished my cigarette, he had already gone inside with his friends, I was alone. When i re-entered the building, his eyes were on me as i stood by the DJ stand minding my own business. As the night went on, he always found a way to get my attention. When the bar closed most of us went to an after-hours spot to keep the party going. From that point on he would not let me out his sight. when i wanted to sit it had to be close to him or on is lap. All the females were eyeing us with envy because he was the sexiest chocolate man in building. That night he posted on that little blue app that he was not leaving without it and we swapped numbers. The next day we talked on the phone for hours before we went to sleep. I never thought getting his call or hearing his voice would be the highlight of my day. We talked every night and decided to get a hotel room one weekend. When we finally did get the room, it was more relaxing than I could have ever thought it could be. We laid up under each other for two days; we never left the room. Now our living situations were not the best, and we were trying to fix them on our own, but time was not on our side. I had already applied to a complex and was approved i just needed to pay the deposit on a low income. We eventually moved in with each other and honestly it happened so fast, but we fell in love. He was caring, loving and attentive in the first few years. He always had to touch me whether it was a foot, a leg or something of his had to be on me. He always made sure I knew how he felt although he never really expressed it verbally. We may have had financial difficulties, but we always found a way out of it together. I was driving cabs, and he was in-between jobs trying to find the right fit for him at the moment. I did what needed to be done as the woman of the house and i worked, cooked, cleaned, etc. even after he started working which did not take long. We were not perfect, but we were perfect for each other at that time in our lives. Within two years after moving in together we both had a major trauma happen and we comforted each other to best of our abilities. We fell in love so fast it was shocking to the both of us. He was infatuated with me, and I was head over heels for him. We used to plan dates and talk to each other about some of the craziest things. Then when his trauma happened, he changed as a person. He became distant and less affectionate; he was less caring and unavailable to my feelings. I understood his loss completely because of the dynamic of their relationship but why did I have to suffer? He was treated like a king and respected as one, that was even his name in my phone. The way I was raised is to play your part and speak up about how you feel but never fold! So, I played my part, and I still supported him in ways he did not for me. I sacrificed so much for this man without him even asking and he never acknowledge a thing I did. He actually told me what I was doing at that time was not what he was looking for. I was confused.... He wants a wife but not right now. He loves me but does not see me? If you like what you are reading so far, please respond and give your honest opinion and how interested you are. This is actually an insert from my book but before releasing it I want some honest opinions. Thanks in advance!!!!! No names were given for a reason and if you know who this person is he knows what I do and told me to do what makes me happy. This makes me happy.... run tell that!

Sometimes we as humans can be seen as weak and invaluable to the other which leaves little space to get to know the truth, because mentally we have already decided. On the other hand we expect people to respect our names and if they do not we take it to a different level making a small situation worse. I personally do not blame us because that is exactly how the world is set up. No matter what you do in life you have to prove yourself, gain, respect, give respect, appreciate and advance. We pay for things that should be free, suffer financially because of selfishness and we are still expected to thrive in life. Some of us are dicarded because we can not keep up a look or finance a fancy life, then you have those who can afford to do as they please and wear what they want with no judgement. Everbody was trained to think this way from school, there was always a group of people who connected more than the others and they all had their own tables at lunch. The teachers would pick and choose who was trying the hardest or just because. Certain people were exempt from dress code, absences, class activities. When will we realize the legal system and the government is just about the same. easch level looks at each one differently. Republicans thinks Democrats are a a joke. The president is really just the fall guy in some situations. Now these are just my thoughts and there is no validity in my statement about how republican feel but they do not do a good job at hiding it. Mentally we were all fucked when we entered the public school system in regards to how we treat people because some of us were bullies. Let's be honest a lot of us were bullies.....for no damn reason. you can say you never bullies someone but if you constantly went after someone who may have said or did something you did not like instead of letting it go.. you bullied someone. If you were on the cheerleading squad you would pick and choose who was good enough for you to date and a regular studen was rarely ever the case especially if you were captain. If you played football your main goal was to get as many girls as you could in the run of you career from start. Musicians were similar to football players except their craft required more focus, so you often seen them alone and half the time you never knew who they were talking to unless you either saw them or knew them. Every thing in our lives has been grouped/ categorized/ controled one way or the other. WAKE UP!!!!!!! We hav to treat each other better and stop degrading each other's lives.

Being a sibling Being a sibling of six kids has not been easy for me. I am not the oldest but I am not the youngest either, I sit in the middle of them all. I have more of a spiritual connection to them than they do to me and I hurt from the things they say and do. Our relationships are so distant and boring when we are are around each other. My oldest brother has been missing since I was nineteen, the last time I seen him he was travelling with the circus and on drugs as all circus employees eventually tend to do if they are weak minded, he called the police on himself and left. The funny thing is him and our father share the same name and nobody even knew he called the police. When the police arrived he was no where to be found and my dad is standing there looking retarded in the face because he been drinking while I am standing in the doorway laughing.The whole explanation of the phone call was hilarious and my dad has his mouth wide open. when the police left my dad said "that motherfucker". the next to the oldest is a girl, she has a heart of pure gold but can be mean and will cut you off faster than you can clip a nail. Her and I have no main issues and I do miss her a lot. Although she is not far I think there is a reason she moved so far away from family. Even today I haven't spoken with her since she had her surgery and that was on my mom's phone. The oldest middle child has been in trouble majority of his life and has spent a total of nineteen years behind bars in two different cities and still counting. He was incarcerated at the age of sixteen for grand larceny, he was sentenced to thirty years and served sixteen and came home, he was doing well eventually it became obvious he was doing some type of drug because he started to change as a person. He turned into somebody I could not recognize and all I could do was pray. He ended up getting incarcerated again and doing three more years. You would think after Nineteen years in jail somebody would learn to survive in the real world to avoid losing their freedom. It's not that easy though, sometime people who sit in jail for years on years end up being institutionalized mentally and physically. The younger they are the more likely they are to become dependent on any and everybody because they have no clue on how to take care of themselves. Going to prison at sixteen for him and being released at thirty-two was the icing on the cake. He went from being cared for by our mother to being cared for by the system, not knowing what it's like to have to work hard for what you want, all he knows is I can take it. When they released him after sixteen years he should have went to a half-way house before coming straight home. At least that way he would have some restrictions to follow which would show him to respect other people's rules. He would have had to maintain a job so he can see how it feels to work hard for something and he would not be able to roam the real world freely his access to the real world would be limited. he would be able to see how much the world has changed since he left and get more caught up with the times. Today he is currently back in jail for breaking into two different liquor stores five times because he never received the proper help for his problems. I cant tell you how many drugs he has done, I can't tell you the depths of his life, but I can tell you he needs professional help, not just someone to talk to. I hate to say it but he is a professional thief and can take anything regardless of the situation. My heart hurts for him but at the same time I blame him because it was like he did not want to learn anything different than what he already knew if it was not an easy come up. After him is another boy, he is the quiet one but will turn into something scary if needed. he comes around if he does not have to work but he stays away more. you may be able to reach him on social media, if he is on, but it may take a few hours maybe even day to get a response. He is really a loner and lives a private life and chooses who he is going to reach out to. He has never really changed but he grew apart form the family in his own way and there is nothing wrong with that. I am next in line, no my life has not been all peaches and cream, I have been incarcerated, homeless and depressed. Being that I am the oldest daughter my father has with my mother I was expected to do so much but didn't have the support system I needed. by the time I was in eighth grade I had already been to three different schools so stability was always slacking. The summer of my eighth grade year I was molested by my uncle on my fathers side and told not to tell anybody but I already had. The same night I was molested I informed my uncle's wife because she had three girls to look after and ran away.I ended up fighting her for the next three years. That situation turned my life around because before that I would no allow any guy t do nothing sexual to me other than kiss me. I started experimenting sexually without penetration then eventually I graduated to sex. I was more interested in guys than I ever was before by the eleventh grade I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. Before it actually happened to me I never understood how it affects a females mind. Regardless of her age it will have some type of affect on her, it makes us feel as though we did something wrong or it lowers our self-esteem. For me, I loss a lot of self-esteem and the guys were no help because They would always tell me I look good from the neck down. I started stripping in the tenth grade but I never did clubs because I was too young so it was only private parties mostly thrown by me, all while maintaining my grades and cheering for a recreational team. I got wild and I am not proud of it but within my mistakes I learned a lot. My worth was one of them and I had to rebuild my self-esteem and learn to take pride in who I am. by the time I was twenty-eight I had three kids and lost one in a custody battle when she was four. I had to pay child support, got locked up for not paying child support and caught criminal charges. Today I am in a happy relationship and have all three of my girls, although it took some time I accomplished some of my goals and I have a man who is willing to be by my side through it all. Next is my headache but two-thirds of my heartbeat, she is a sweet-heart but has a evil side that is just plain evil. She has a great personality but she is just mean for no damn reason. It's like she forgot we went through some shit with our parents together. I also protected her from some of it as well. At one point in time if I went somewhere she was right there with me unless she was too young to go. All of a sudden she was too self-absorbed to see what was in front of her in regards to family. Not one time did she extend a hand to watch my kids while I go to work so i could maintain my home but every time she needed me I was there. Not one time did I spread any rumors about her or say anything negative in regards to her or her life. I honestly feel as though she is upset because she expected more from me but haven't taken into consideration that I was left to help with the bills at mom and dads because her boyfriend parents or guardians came to my first home with the police looking for him because he was filed as a runaway in Hampton. Granted what I was doing was illegal but if they didn't have a reason to come they would n't have been there. today she is doing very well and pregnant with her third child but our relationship is rocky and almost non-existent. Out of all of my sibling I though she would be the main one I could call and talk to or even get advice from, although I am the oldest, I do not know everything. I am honestly proud of who she has become and what she has made of her life, I just wish we could be as close as we use to be before she hit puberty. Last but not least is my baby sister, she was kept a secret for the first few years of her life until things got out in the open. She was the outcast out of all of us. Nobody but me wanted her around and that was very clear. she is just like the rest of us in her own way, because we share a father we all ave something that keeps us connected physically. We all resemble him in one way or the other,she is his female twin and she holds so much animosity towards him for neglecting his responsibilities. She has an amazing personality and so much to look forward to but at the same time she is facing so much right now as her life progresses. We communicate more than any of the others and that is because I accepted her with open arms, although she is not my mother's child. In my heart, she did not choose to be put in the middle of this situation and she should not have to suffer for his wrong doings. Her mother raised a strong woman with exceptional learning abilities. All in all we all have our own problems and are working on them in own way or we have just grown apart form each other. I love each and every one of my siblings and wish them nothing but the best. One thing they do need to know is my phone line is always open and I would love to hear from them more often. A phone call goes a long way and i hate that we have grown to be this way. The last boy needs prayer and help, so to all of you reading this please keep us in your prayers. Thanks for taking the time to read my personal thoughts and some of my life. I am deeply sorry for keeping you guys waiting and not at least popping in but I am hoping to post a little more since my life is calming down.

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I found love in a familiar face and I was not too sure about it, He has always been around I just never knew about it who would have thought it would be you? All grown up and learning life's rules doing the things a real man should do! you love me for me and I love you for you! through it all I will still stick it through! Never not once have I thought of you or thought i would love you the way i do. But as time passed and our conversation grew, my heart just tuned into you No one else can take your place, You are the only man in this race! i have been in this race with poise and grace. keeping my lead while keeping faith Love is not a one way race,it takes two, your spouse and you. You and I are standing strong, loving hard and holding our own! Taking each day and making it count. We have build a bond so tight, I cant see me without him every night! Our bodies fit perfect, our minds are a unit, our live have intertwined. whats was mine is now ours and the other way around! You are my king and you wear that crown well, making me more calm and relaxed. So i wear the crown of you queen with pride, ready to take this lifelong ride. You make my heart skip a beat, your touch makes me feel unique. My skin tingles at the touch of just a finger, mentally driving me crazy. I promise to be all you may ever need and support your every dream.

As a parent we all have the tendency to step in where we are not wanted but most of us know exactly when we are needed. We love, provide and care for any individual we see fit which includes giving advice. Most of the time our advice comes from experience, our care comes from learning and our providing comes from practice. Our main goal is to try and prevent at least one young adult in our paths from going down the same road as us. No matter what we say though somebody always takes it the wrong way and gets defensive or you are being a little too honest. Personally I have not mastered letting them admit their own problem but asking key questions that makes them think and it does not always turn out right. Example.... I was having a conversation with my oldest daughter and I asked her one simple question "Do you really think you should be more focused on that?" Immediately she got defensive and started showing irritation. I am sitting there saying to myself "Really? I only asked one question!". Now i have a million questions going through my mind and I really don't want to ask. At this point she is asking me questions and I don't know how to answer because she is already on the defense but I am saved because she won't give me a chance to answer. She never screamed or yelled but she did raise her voice slightly and that's when I over step her every time. This is a example with an adult. At work and she just can't seem to find a rhythm, so I start giving little tips like glance at each box before it gets to you. One day a box got stuck in the chute she tells the proper people and I just let her know Me:it's does that when it's dry. Her: Oh, you just know everything! Me: I pay attention to my job! What is wrong with people? Why do I feel like I am the only sane person? Why are opinions so hard to handle? Is facing the truth that hard for some people that they would rather be the aggressor? Never allow those sour apples to kill the whole tree! No matter what type of advice you give keep giving bbq it somebody may need it one day.