Surviving

 After going through all the emotions, I may possibly experience, I have to come back to reality. Coming back to reality means realizing you now have nothing but a home. It's understanding what you have to do to survive. Sometimes to survive we have to depend on assistance from the government, or we have to rub two nickels together to make a quarter. What does surviving feel like? Surviving feels like you are free-floating and the only way you are still alive is because of your nose., it's like drowning in shallow water. You do what need to be done to fill in the blanks and make yourself feel adequate enough for your life. 

Sometimes it's not the income that is causing the issue, sometimes it's just life. In order to make it life sometimes we have to push ourselves and we push ourselves over our limit. As mothers, fathers, spouses and caregivers sometimes we do not have time for ourselves. Our brains can't make sense of personal time if we are behind in life. Surviving is finding a way to fix what broke or replace what you lost. Your focus deepens, your responsibilities increase, your body gets tired, you lose sleep and you become overwhelmed. 

Most times while surviving you can barely maintain your daily life because of the cost of living or the pay does not fit the community. The more the cost of living goes up the less possible it is to handle daily, monthly responsibilities. In today's world we are all surviving, trying to thrive and make the best of our lives. 

At war

One thing I have been trying to battle is this was between my heart and my brain. Those two give me a run for my money every time. It may be a little worse than Anxiety and Depression.  My brain says be patient this is temporary, but my heart saying move on. My brain may say don't be stupid, but my heart will say girl go for it. I don't know why it feels like they are always working against each other in stressful situations.  But when things are going ok it seems to work out. 

One thing I refuse to be is a dummy, because what am I holding on to? Why am I holding on? Yes, they say let it go, if it is meant for you it will return, but will it be the same? Will there be equal sacrifices? Then we really start to question the validity of the situation. Is this really for me? Why is this for me? Why me?  An overthinker always needs an answer and when I am left to think about the rights, wrongs, and possibilities of the situation it always goes negative. 

While going through life not understanding what and why this is happening to me it became very clear that I do not handle stress too well. Although I may know this, I still have certain triggers that causes me to mentally and emotionally go against myself. I think I am the problem I downplay the other end and take all the blame, then turn around and pass the blame and take it back every time the situation is the same. 

One thing I have realized about myself is I have to talk it out, so if you don't know how you better be willing to work on it or know how! I am one that should never be left in this war alone, I will come up with every scenario possible, I may need to get that checked, lol. My heart is big, and I care too much so when my heart has had enough it pulls out and lets my brain takeover. My brain is more considerate because that chick there has to think about consequences, karma, blessings. It annoys me to the utmost when I love someone.

 I always give them the benefit of the doubt although I really know the truth. Then my mind starts to go in overdrive with anger when I go unseen, unheard, or become unimportant. This makes me even more mad at myself for having false faith and hope in something I knew was not going to work from the point of me having the first feeling. The underestimation of me has become like a virus because some men have no clue how to handle a damaged woman, but my dumb ass still has faith. 

See, that is what bothers me the most, I have more faith in life than I do myself. Today I realized it is time for me to take that same faith and place it within myself, because the coordination of my mental and emotional location and reaction depends on if they are located in the same coordinates, lol. May sound crazy but think about it, they work hand in hand and if your brain is at a party, but your heart is in your bed, you can't enjoy it as much. I am aligning everything and reaching for the stars from here on out. 

Focused and Ready

 Today I woke up motivated and ready to get my life back on track. I have mentally processed my feelings and putting things in order. It took two weeks for this to happen because each emotional issue took a week out of me. I had to figure out a way to beat them both quick. My life was falling apart financially. I dug deep down and revisited some of my own actions and responses. Doing that I realized how strong I am as a mother, daughter and all around African American female. My strengths are something immaculate and it is what keeps me favored. 

There have been so many times I should not have been here physically, I feel my ancestors protected me several times because someone is trying to take me out spiritually. I refuse to allow them to succeed, which takes me to my first strength, self-motivation. This is one of my biggest strengths, it allows me to see my worth and makes me understand some of what my purpose is, which keep me from suicidal thoughts. I also have the power of Love, which allows me to never hate myself, but allows disappointment.

The love I have for me, my kids, and my family is what keeps me going a little more. They are my light in the darkness although sometimes they can be a little annoying. The way I love is whole-heartedly and it can also be a burden at the same time. I love too hard and most people can't take the amount of love I have to give. My strengths will help me keep my head high and light the way in the darkness, although it may take some time. I love me enough to know or try to figure out why I have the problems I have. I love myself enough to accept my faults. 

Acceptance is key

 At this point I am finally accepting what it is and more focused on what I need to strive. It is hard for me to go through my feelings because I have to go through levels. Anxiety is always up first and that bitch is crazy, she will make me push myself to exhaustion. She always has to make a dramatic appearance and fuck some shit up. She is dangerous and carefree; she does not care what has to happen to make it work. Every single time she makes me overthink everything and drives me crazy. She is that wildfire that is only controlled by love and understanding. She needs acceptance. She does not need approval; she is not as self-aware as she needs to be. She is just as messy as a toddler with pudding. 

Then Depression kicks in and now the two are fighting of power. Anxiety is strong but when she has no choice but to accept, she quiets down. She becomes minimal and more verbal. Depression makes me sit and think about what I can do about my situation after crying about it for about a week. She can be relentless and overpowering in so many ways. She drags me down to a point where I have no energy to deal with daily tasks. She is who I fear the most. She loses all care for everything including life. She does not want to do anything including life. 

I can deal with anxiety, but depression is a motherfucker. Calming anxiety is not as hard as calming depression, so I had to learn how to go through my feelings without allowing anxiety to fly out of control. Honestly, I am still learning this. It is not something you can master in a short amount of time because it is not something that happens for me all the time. This only occurs when life takes so much from me and I have to climb out of the hole on my own, which is every time. It is definitely a process that I had to accept and embark on. 

I can honestly sit here now and say that I am proud of myself for even learning how to handle this, accepting the diagnosis, and knowing some of my triggers. The more I go through the more I learn about me. I may have these emotional issues, but they will not keep me from what I am supposed to be.  I know who I am, what I deal with and what I need to do. 

 Realizing and understand your mistakes is the first step to healing from something deep. All the blame is not on one person; you share that blame just as much as you share a bed. Mentally you have to understand your faults and false dreams as well as you heart. the two are completely different. In order to have no hard feelings towards each other you have to respect how it made the other feel at the moment or continuously. Understand that you are not always right and it is okay to try new things to make something work. Realize that your approach to everything may not have been the right approach and you could have handled it differently. 

Instead of thinking about it in a selfish more vengeful way to make yourself feel better, be more realistic to reality. Nobody is perfect, everyone has flaws, no matter how much they do to hide them. Living life and being happy with life is not only financial. Money brings several things, but pure happiness is not one of those things, it's called being content and satisfied. Everyone needs someone but that someone will not be easy to hold onto. Making sure you know your own faults will help you be more successful at finding what you want in life and who you want to share it with. 

Know your worth and what you will do to live up to it. Never dull your light for someone else to shine. Always polish your own glow before doing anything else. Accept or change your flaws and make the best out of what life has to offer. 

Recovery

After months of feeling lost, weeks of feeling depressed, I finally got enough courage to say enough is enough. Today I woke up feeling like it is time for me to let go and heal, since healing is the hardest for me. I do not hold grudges, but I will never let anyone else treat me any way the made me feel some type of way before. So, I will always remember the feeling I felt at that moment. I will always remember how I felt when I felt belittles, condescended, or inadequate. I have never been made to feel as though I was not enough but to know that feeling, I apologize to everyone who had to endure that. 

    Feeling like you not enough no matter what you do is a terrible feeling that hangs on to you even after the breakup. The inadequacy of the whole situation leaves you wondering if it was genuine or was it a game. When it is okay for someone to feel or go through something but not you something has to change. You start to dig deep inside yourself and try to monetize every hour of the day and end up wearing yourself out. I have overexerted myself to the point of a fresh start, only thing missing is a new place. Which will come sooner than I think as long as I keep pushing forward. 

     What makes today different is the calmness I feel inside me. Today I just feel like I need to make a change and let my heart rest. I will no longer be pressed; I will let him watch me and I will not regret it. I am a work in progress, and I am healing from a lot of traumas piece by piece. One day soon I will be whole again and life will be better.

I woke up broken

Breaking up is not always easy for either person involved. Just having to make the decision to leave or let go without a fight is hard, especially when you really love that person. I'm not talking about that temporary love, I am talking about that life seems empty without your love. Waking up every day feels so different. Just doing daily tasks feels wrong and purposeless, so you have to figure out a way to continue to move on daily. It is even harder if you have depression or anxiety and refuse to take your medications because of the side effects. Leaving your heart super heavy, your mind wandering, and it feels like your life is spiraling out of control. Not a single night is easy, especially if you still have everything the two of you shared together. Just laying in bed feels so good because that is the most memorable spot because the two of you spent so much personal time together in the room watching tv, playing the game, etc. All you can think about is what caused the breakup and what could have been done differently on your part. Constantly beating yourself up mentally has become a part of you daily activities and you feel so lost. Time seems to be going faster, and life seems to be getting harder due to rising prices. The lack of support is visible, the lack of understanding is confusing, the abundance of emotions is inevitable. Desperation starts to knock, and you ignore every knock while trying your hardest to stay on the right path. You end up at war with yourself because you blame yourself for everything. Making yourself feel worse than anybody else can because you are your own worst critic. you blame yourself for even trying, hoping, and/or praying that it will work. You blame yourself for opening your heart, arms, and/or doors allowing this person to get so close. You find every way to blame yourself and not the other person regardless of the fact because you should have had you. You start to realize every single fault and turn your frustrations towards the other individual and now you are on a whole different level of aggression. Now you gave to figure out how to channel that energy or where to put it. Out of all of the emotional turmoil you know there is still a chance, but will the wait be worth the emotional distress you went through in the beginning? Is all the backlash you endured for being stupid worth it? Will you ever see them the same? Then there are so many questions about the other person involved, good and bad, making you question if you want to open that door back up. It's a process that is so painful to most that it causes them to isolate if not even more than before. It causes so many emotional problems that are not easy to overcome, even if you decide to open up again. Every bit of pain you endured during the process causes you to build walls and put yourself in a marble.