At war

One thing I have been trying to battle is this was between my heart and my brain. Those two give me a run for my money every time. It may be a little worse than Anxiety and Depression.  My brain says be patient this is temporary, but my heart saying move on. My brain may say don't be stupid, but my heart will say girl go for it. I don't know why it feels like they are always working against each other in stressful situations.  But when things are going ok it seems to work out. 

One thing I refuse to be is a dummy, because what am I holding on to? Why am I holding on? Yes, they say let it go, if it is meant for you it will return, but will it be the same? Will there be equal sacrifices? Then we really start to question the validity of the situation. Is this really for me? Why is this for me? Why me?  An overthinker always needs an answer and when I am left to think about the rights, wrongs, and possibilities of the situation it always goes negative. 

While going through life not understanding what and why this is happening to me it became very clear that I do not handle stress too well. Although I may know this, I still have certain triggers that causes me to mentally and emotionally go against myself. I think I am the problem I downplay the other end and take all the blame, then turn around and pass the blame and take it back every time the situation is the same. 

One thing I have realized about myself is I have to talk it out, so if you don't know how you better be willing to work on it or know how! I am one that should never be left in this war alone, I will come up with every scenario possible, I may need to get that checked, lol. My heart is big, and I care too much so when my heart has had enough it pulls out and lets my brain takeover. My brain is more considerate because that chick there has to think about consequences, karma, blessings. It annoys me to the utmost when I love someone.

 I always give them the benefit of the doubt although I really know the truth. Then my mind starts to go in overdrive with anger when I go unseen, unheard, or become unimportant. This makes me even more mad at myself for having false faith and hope in something I knew was not going to work from the point of me having the first feeling. The underestimation of me has become like a virus because some men have no clue how to handle a damaged woman, but my dumb ass still has faith. 

See, that is what bothers me the most, I have more faith in life than I do myself. Today I realized it is time for me to take that same faith and place it within myself, because the coordination of my mental and emotional location and reaction depends on if they are located in the same coordinates, lol. May sound crazy but think about it, they work hand in hand and if your brain is at a party, but your heart is in your bed, you can't enjoy it as much. I am aligning everything and reaching for the stars from here on out.