Somethings wrong II

 In his mind he was leaving me in a good position because I had a car and a home while his was broken and he was going to stay with family for a while. He did not take into consideration that I had all of these things to do on such a low income. He did get a new tire for the car before leaving but after his announcement my brain was preparing to go into overdrive to survive. I spent all day out in these streets driving, I wanted to take a day off and knew I did not have the time or money. I never realized what all of this running was doing to me, I just knew I had to do it. I pushed myself so hard I had no clue how tired I was. I used coffee to keep me going on some night others I called it quits. 

I felt drained every morning and never paid it any attention, that Friday I woke up, got dressed and headed out to make some more money without thinking twice about it. I worked until 3, went to five and below, did a favor for my uncle, helped my mom and I made it home by 6. While at five and below I ran into a family friend who informed me of one of my sisters in laws birthday party. Being that I had not been out in so long and needed an outlet to help with my emotions I planned to go. Not even an hour later my sister calls me to inform me of the same event while my uncle is telling me as well. I then find out we are meeting at 9 at the club, remember I got home at 6 had to shower and get dressed then go back to pick my uncle up for the event.  While at the event I am having a good time. I am not allowing my heartache to intervene with my night. I had 3 drinks by 1:20a.m and we left at 1: 45a.m, I took my uncle back home and was headed home until my sister called me to come to her house.

 Now even now I am fine, no radio, no nothing to entertain me while I ride. I get to her house, and we are chilling, as I am sitting there my brain says, "Go home!" so around 2:45 I decide to go home. This is the first time since my ex broke up with me that I honestly wanted to be at home. As I am on my way home I am talking to a friend on the phone. Our conversation ends a little after 3a.m, I am literally around the corner from my house, I turn the corner to go down a winding street before reaching my house and my eyes get heavy, my brain says "stop" but it too late. I fall asleep behind the wheel and hit a park car. This night I caught 3 charges and luckily avoided jail. 

My car is totaled, my brain is wrecked, my anxiety is high, and I am lost at this point. I have no clue how I am going to manage without transportation. I felt as though my life was falling apart. I laid in bed all night trying to sleep and couldn't, I just laid there tossing and turning for hours on end. I honestly got about three hours of sleep in a twenty-four-hour time period. 

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Something's wrong

That moment when you have fallen for someone you never thought of talking to. they are younger than you in life and new to the feeling of a real relationship. You know he is young, so you try to give him the time he needs. Everything works out fine for the first few years, then all of a sudden, he changes. Yea you may have done some shit that he did not like or approve of, but he did have a choice in the matter. It started to feel like he was emotionally trying to pull away but he couldn't. The feeling of wanting a baby was surreal and causing damage. I had to get some things done before I could, so we were going through it.

My car breaks because I bought a lemon from a supposed to be family member and he refused to compensate me. I even offered to buy another car, and he gave me the run around on that. My dude was looking for a second job at the time, and I was looking for a car. I felt like a burden on him. He did not want to take me to work because my job parking lot was chaotic, he did not like having to stop for coffee in the morning. It started to feel like everything me annoyed him. that was within a month and a half time span, two weeks later he ends up getting a job to replace the first one. Yes, he informed of his decision but literally two weeks before it happened. So, I put all my time in for the week hoping I could figure something out but knowing I wouldn't.  The thing is I don't have a lot of friends I can depend on to do anything. So, I ended up losing my job due to no transportations and then his car broke. He made a decision without me, thought that decision was the only option, if we would have planned it better it would have worked out properly. Instead, he chose to bear all the weight. 

As the months go by, we still have not caught up. He is overwhelmed, my brain is saying "He did it he can fix it, he didn't want my help before he doesn't need it now!", but my heart is saying, " girl, this shit in your name, as always, you have to do something!". So, I decided to help out instead of arguing about it because I knew that was not going to do anything. He never admits when he is wrong about stuff like that. For Months I drove door dash, took him back and forth to work, helped my mom and grandma, helped my kids, school visits, hospital visits, etc. I was running my body down, not because he asked me to but because I had a goal too. It seemed as though I would not meet my goal because everything of mine had to be sacrificed to help fix what he caused. 

I slept maybe five to six hours a day if I did not have to take my grandchild to school due to her either not having a bus or missing the bus. At this time, he paid the down payment for a car so we would not be in the rental anymore but only because he was tired of hearing my mouth. I made one hundred dollars a day door dashing and I started with zero most days. Yea I drove it most, but I was putting forty dollars a day in the tank because he worked maybe 20 miles away. which was down the street from the job I ended up losing. Once we were closer to being caught up, he decided he wanted to leave so he can sow his royal oats. He was only focused on his goals, although he made good money, we could never use his name on any place we moved to, but he was upset we were still in an apartment, we both wanted a house. 

Now before I say this nest part, don't get me wrong he has not always been like that. Selfish yes but not to the point where he ignored me in that way. Something happened and it changed him. One week after being on different pages for about three days, he wakes up and says, " I think we should go our separate ways!" At this point he sees my weight loss, and he feels like him wanting a child is the cause, but it wasn't. He had no clue I was barely eating because I felt like I couldn't afford to. He did not know the sacrifices I was making to help clean up his mistake. I was never home unless it was an hour break or to sleep. I was always moving. He felt like I was stressing about what he wants but I felt like he had someone else. 

When he left, I was still behind, remember he just got the car, so I still had thirty-day tags, that were now expired. Rent was due again in two weeks, car insurance was cancelled due to non-payment, car needed and oil change, radiator and engine flush, a new radio because it did not work. I needed to wash clothes, clean my house, get some food because we had none and build my bank account. While he left with two jobs paying more than fifteen dollars and hour that I also provided transportation to and from in the car he paid the down payment on. Sitting outside his job for maybe an hour waiting for him for almost five months. The earlier I got home from picking him up I would go back out and dash for another hour or two. 

When he had days off, he would spend most of his time in the room playing the game, sleep or chilling while I am running in and out every couple of hours. No, I was not napping in between, even after he left, I took him to work for a week, I was mad, but I had no hard feelings because who am I to keep him from trying. He even told me the dude he got the car from was waiting for me to miss a payment so he could take the car back. I felt like I was set up to fail although it may not have been his intention. 

My thoughts for the day

 You never know how much you love a person until that person is not there. When they are you find all kinds of things that bother you but never want to leave. It's always the little things that make you happy, the little attitudes that bug you, the small but damaging words they may say to you. Through it all you stay because the annoyance is real but not enough. Although they annoy you, they make you feel seen, loved, and appreciated in their own little way. At the time you may not see it, but it is definitely there. You may only see the negative ways they treat you because that was not a part of your vision. Just that alone is hard to bear because you know what you deserve, have done or need. Either party may feel inadequate due to treatments rendered by both. 

Sometimes you just have to listen and act on what you heard. you cannot expect someone to honor what you want if you can't honor theirs. It goes both ways, in order for a relationship to work there has to be a meeting point. One individual can't be the only one making sacrifices for the success of the other. Both dreams are equally important. Not one person is more important than the other and no one should feel that way. Annoyance turns to silence and silence turns to anger. Noone is perfect in a relationship, each individual has their faults, the right person knows what to do without having to be told. 

One thing I can say is careful who you do vent to in your relationship because everybody is not happy for you. Some people will tell you whatever they feel like you need to hear to come between you and your person. Your person may be gullible to certain people as well as you and allow them to plant little seeds to breakdown your love. Some people allow for their own wants and need to interfere with love because they know what they want. As long as the decision is that persons and only theirs, respect their choice and deal with your hurt. 

Surviving

 After going through all the emotions, I may possibly experience, I have to come back to reality. Coming back to reality means realizing you now have nothing but a home. It's understanding what you have to do to survive. Sometimes to survive we have to depend on assistance from the government, or we have to rub two nickels together to make a quarter. What does surviving feel like? Surviving feels like you are free-floating and the only way you are still alive is because of your nose., it's like drowning in shallow water. You do what need to be done to fill in the blanks and make yourself feel adequate enough for your life. 

Sometimes it's not the income that is causing the issue, sometimes it's just life. In order to make it life sometimes we have to push ourselves and we push ourselves over our limit. As mothers, fathers, spouses and caregivers sometimes we do not have time for ourselves. Our brains can't make sense of personal time if we are behind in life. Surviving is finding a way to fix what broke or replace what you lost. Your focus deepens, your responsibilities increase, your body gets tired, you lose sleep and you become overwhelmed. 

Most times while surviving you can barely maintain your daily life because of the cost of living or the pay does not fit the community. The more the cost of living goes up the less possible it is to handle daily, monthly responsibilities. In today's world we are all surviving, trying to thrive and make the best of our lives. 

At war

One thing I have been trying to battle is this was between my heart and my brain. Those two give me a run for my money every time. It may be a little worse than Anxiety and Depression.  My brain says be patient this is temporary, but my heart saying move on. My brain may say don't be stupid, but my heart will say girl go for it. I don't know why it feels like they are always working against each other in stressful situations.  But when things are going ok it seems to work out. 

One thing I refuse to be is a dummy, because what am I holding on to? Why am I holding on? Yes, they say let it go, if it is meant for you it will return, but will it be the same? Will there be equal sacrifices? Then we really start to question the validity of the situation. Is this really for me? Why is this for me? Why me?  An overthinker always needs an answer and when I am left to think about the rights, wrongs, and possibilities of the situation it always goes negative. 

While going through life not understanding what and why this is happening to me it became very clear that I do not handle stress too well. Although I may know this, I still have certain triggers that causes me to mentally and emotionally go against myself. I think I am the problem I downplay the other end and take all the blame, then turn around and pass the blame and take it back every time the situation is the same. 

One thing I have realized about myself is I have to talk it out, so if you don't know how you better be willing to work on it or know how! I am one that should never be left in this war alone, I will come up with every scenario possible, I may need to get that checked, lol. My heart is big, and I care too much so when my heart has had enough it pulls out and lets my brain takeover. My brain is more considerate because that chick there has to think about consequences, karma, blessings. It annoys me to the utmost when I love someone.

 I always give them the benefit of the doubt although I really know the truth. Then my mind starts to go in overdrive with anger when I go unseen, unheard, or become unimportant. This makes me even more mad at myself for having false faith and hope in something I knew was not going to work from the point of me having the first feeling. The underestimation of me has become like a virus because some men have no clue how to handle a damaged woman, but my dumb ass still has faith. 

See, that is what bothers me the most, I have more faith in life than I do myself. Today I realized it is time for me to take that same faith and place it within myself, because the coordination of my mental and emotional location and reaction depends on if they are located in the same coordinates, lol. May sound crazy but think about it, they work hand in hand and if your brain is at a party, but your heart is in your bed, you can't enjoy it as much. I am aligning everything and reaching for the stars from here on out. 

Focused and Ready

 Today I woke up motivated and ready to get my life back on track. I have mentally processed my feelings and putting things in order. It took two weeks for this to happen because each emotional issue took a week out of me. I had to figure out a way to beat them both quick. My life was falling apart financially. I dug deep down and revisited some of my own actions and responses. Doing that I realized how strong I am as a mother, daughter and all around African American female. My strengths are something immaculate and it is what keeps me favored. 

There have been so many times I should not have been here physically, I feel my ancestors protected me several times because someone is trying to take me out spiritually. I refuse to allow them to succeed, which takes me to my first strength, self-motivation. This is one of my biggest strengths, it allows me to see my worth and makes me understand some of what my purpose is, which keep me from suicidal thoughts. I also have the power of Love, which allows me to never hate myself, but allows disappointment.

The love I have for me, my kids, and my family is what keeps me going a little more. They are my light in the darkness although sometimes they can be a little annoying. The way I love is whole-heartedly and it can also be a burden at the same time. I love too hard and most people can't take the amount of love I have to give. My strengths will help me keep my head high and light the way in the darkness, although it may take some time. I love me enough to know or try to figure out why I have the problems I have. I love myself enough to accept my faults. 

Acceptance is key

 At this point I am finally accepting what it is and more focused on what I need to strive. It is hard for me to go through my feelings because I have to go through levels. Anxiety is always up first and that bitch is crazy, she will make me push myself to exhaustion. She always has to make a dramatic appearance and fuck some shit up. She is dangerous and carefree; she does not care what has to happen to make it work. Every single time she makes me overthink everything and drives me crazy. She is that wildfire that is only controlled by love and understanding. She needs acceptance. She does not need approval; she is not as self-aware as she needs to be. She is just as messy as a toddler with pudding. 

Then Depression kicks in and now the two are fighting of power. Anxiety is strong but when she has no choice but to accept, she quiets down. She becomes minimal and more verbal. Depression makes me sit and think about what I can do about my situation after crying about it for about a week. She can be relentless and overpowering in so many ways. She drags me down to a point where I have no energy to deal with daily tasks. She is who I fear the most. She loses all care for everything including life. She does not want to do anything including life. 

I can deal with anxiety, but depression is a motherfucker. Calming anxiety is not as hard as calming depression, so I had to learn how to go through my feelings without allowing anxiety to fly out of control. Honestly, I am still learning this. It is not something you can master in a short amount of time because it is not something that happens for me all the time. This only occurs when life takes so much from me and I have to climb out of the hole on my own, which is every time. It is definitely a process that I had to accept and embark on. 

I can honestly sit here now and say that I am proud of myself for even learning how to handle this, accepting the diagnosis, and knowing some of my triggers. The more I go through the more I learn about me. I may have these emotional issues, but they will not keep me from what I am supposed to be.  I know who I am, what I deal with and what I need to do.