Something's wrong

That moment when you have fallen for someone you never thought of talking to. they are younger than you in life and new to the feeling of a real relationship. You know he is young, so you try to give him the time he needs. Everything works out fine for the first few years, then all of a sudden, he changes. Yea you may have done some shit that he did not like or approve of, but he did have a choice in the matter. It started to feel like he was emotionally trying to pull away but he couldn't. The feeling of wanting a baby was surreal and causing damage. I had to get some things done before I could, so we were going through it.

My car breaks because I bought a lemon from a supposed to be family member and he refused to compensate me. I even offered to buy another car, and he gave me the run around on that. My dude was looking for a second job at the time, and I was looking for a car. I felt like a burden on him. He did not want to take me to work because my job parking lot was chaotic, he did not like having to stop for coffee in the morning. It started to feel like everything me annoyed him. that was within a month and a half time span, two weeks later he ends up getting a job to replace the first one. Yes, he informed of his decision but literally two weeks before it happened. So, I put all my time in for the week hoping I could figure something out but knowing I wouldn't.  The thing is I don't have a lot of friends I can depend on to do anything. So, I ended up losing my job due to no transportations and then his car broke. He made a decision without me, thought that decision was the only option, if we would have planned it better it would have worked out properly. Instead, he chose to bear all the weight. 

As the months go by, we still have not caught up. He is overwhelmed, my brain is saying "He did it he can fix it, he didn't want my help before he doesn't need it now!", but my heart is saying, " girl, this shit in your name, as always, you have to do something!". So, I decided to help out instead of arguing about it because I knew that was not going to do anything. He never admits when he is wrong about stuff like that. For Months I drove door dash, took him back and forth to work, helped my mom and grandma, helped my kids, school visits, hospital visits, etc. I was running my body down, not because he asked me to but because I had a goal too. It seemed as though I would not meet my goal because everything of mine had to be sacrificed to help fix what he caused. 

I slept maybe five to six hours a day if I did not have to take my grandchild to school due to her either not having a bus or missing the bus. At this time, he paid the down payment for a car so we would not be in the rental anymore but only because he was tired of hearing my mouth. I made one hundred dollars a day door dashing and I started with zero most days. Yea I drove it most, but I was putting forty dollars a day in the tank because he worked maybe 20 miles away. which was down the street from the job I ended up losing. Once we were closer to being caught up, he decided he wanted to leave so he can sow his royal oats. He was only focused on his goals, although he made good money, we could never use his name on any place we moved to, but he was upset we were still in an apartment, we both wanted a house. 

Now before I say this nest part, don't get me wrong he has not always been like that. Selfish yes but not to the point where he ignored me in that way. Something happened and it changed him. One week after being on different pages for about three days, he wakes up and says, " I think we should go our separate ways!" At this point he sees my weight loss, and he feels like him wanting a child is the cause, but it wasn't. He had no clue I was barely eating because I felt like I couldn't afford to. He did not know the sacrifices I was making to help clean up his mistake. I was never home unless it was an hour break or to sleep. I was always moving. He felt like I was stressing about what he wants but I felt like he had someone else. 

When he left, I was still behind, remember he just got the car, so I still had thirty-day tags, that were now expired. Rent was due again in two weeks, car insurance was cancelled due to non-payment, car needed and oil change, radiator and engine flush, a new radio because it did not work. I needed to wash clothes, clean my house, get some food because we had none and build my bank account. While he left with two jobs paying more than fifteen dollars and hour that I also provided transportation to and from in the car he paid the down payment on. Sitting outside his job for maybe an hour waiting for him for almost five months. The earlier I got home from picking him up I would go back out and dash for another hour or two. 

When he had days off, he would spend most of his time in the room playing the game, sleep or chilling while I am running in and out every couple of hours. No, I was not napping in between, even after he left, I took him to work for a week, I was mad, but I had no hard feelings because who am I to keep him from trying. He even told me the dude he got the car from was waiting for me to miss a payment so he could take the car back. I felt like I was set up to fail although it may not have been his intention.