who is waiting for you

 Some people have no clue what they want, and they have lost their person because of it. When they finally realize what is happening, they start to question themselves and what they want. Mentally they are confused and know that you are their person and still make drastic decisions based off of only them. Those decisions leave them in a whirlwind of questions with no real answers. sometimes they expect for you to be patient with them and wait while others just up and leave and try to come back later. Either way, not one person should even waste their energy and wait for anyone. You have so many other options available to explore and take your time with to find the one who will cherish your energy. I know dating nowadays can be a headache but why hinder yourself from something that may be a blessing to you. 

From my own personal perspective, I love hard and when I do fall for someone it is not easy to move on. It takes time and these men do not give you that. They do what they can to try and pressure you into doing what they want and could care less how it makes you feel. After eight years in a relationship with a younger man who should have been off limits, I refuse to allow another man close enough to me to hurt me. Anything that may cause any type of bond, I refuse to do it with any man who does not want to put in the work for my love. 

You cannot come into my life and expect me to just fall in line with what you want or how you feel while ignoring me. I will not respect any man who has an ego bigger than him. I refuse to lower my standards to make a man's dream life come true. I refuse to carry all the weight of the relationship while he sits back and watch me drain myself. I will not build a bond doing anything with anyone at this point, so do not ask. 

These are all reasons why we should not wait for anyone to decide that we are enough in their life because we know our worth and how we want to be treated. Never allow anyone to blind you with the rainbows and sunny skies that happen in the beginning. If they do not know let them figure it out on their own. 

Grieving during the holidays

The holidays can be hard and stressful, especially if there are some people who are no longer with the living. That makes it harder to go throughout the day, but we still have to manage. Sometimes we never really have time to grieve, and we just continue with life. When you actually have the time, it hits hard and makes you deal with the feeling you have pushed down for months or years. Dealing with those hidden feelings brings so much to the surface and may break you for a few hours. The memories you will never forget. The laugh that is etched in your brain. The one dance move they will always be remembered for is a staple in gatherings now. Their favorite drink is an homage to them on any day. 

The little things in life make you smile and cry because of the thought of having to continue life as if they never left. Spiritually they never did, but the view is no longer there. You never know how much you will miss someone. I have more than one someone but there is one that I have not dealt with in any way because I did not have time to be weak. That is my father, he was a great dad to me and my siblings. He stepped in for my brother, stepped up for my mom and did his best our entire lives. Yes, no family is perfect but through it all he was always there. 

His spirit was so full of fun and life that he would not let anything hold him back. He is the reason I am so strong today, but without him it is hard. Sometimes I just wish I could hug him so tight and cry my eyes out. Even though he would tell me to stop all that crying and do what I need to do. I love my dad so much and I hate that I limited how much I showed him. I should have showered him with every piece of love I have for him and never let up no matter what. 

I should have given him everything I thought he deserved and more. I should have put my pride to the side and forgave him for trusting the wrong person. I held him accountable for years and through it all he still found a way to teach me some things.  It is because of him that I can change my own tire, check my own oil, use a monkey wrench, paint, fix anything. He taught me a lot all the way through adulthood, even when he couldn't get to me, he would walk me through it. I remember when I was on the way back to Newport News, VA from Augusta, GA and I ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere, my phone died and my daughter was in the passenger seat sleep. I locked all the doors because it was the middle of the night, put my phone down so it could get some juice and cried for about 30 mins.  

My daughter finally woke up because she heard me crying and realized her phone was dead too. That made me feel defeated until I checked my phone and noticed it had 30% and decided to call my parents. My mom was just as lost as I was, but my dad gave me directions to the nearest highway. He was my human GPS because he drove all over these highways in his truck. He taught me to never give up there is always a way.

Happy Thanksgiving.......

Wishing you guys well. Please drive safe and enjoy your surrondings.

Pride Arrives

 My faith in myself has grown so much in the last few days just by me isolating and allowing myself to dig deep into those feelings that nobody wants to deal with. No. it was not easy, but it also was not as hard as I thought it would be.  I cried so many tears of disappointment, hurt, disgrace and disloyalty that I was drained. Although I was drained, I kept going and it brought me here. As a traumatized female with several emotional illness', it can be hard to proud of myself when life is not going the way I expect them to go. Sometimes I honestly want to give up but at the same damn time I have too much pride to do that to myself. There have been many times that I was proud of myself and there will be many more. I fight so many battles on a weekly basis I don't even think it is fair to me on any level. I never wanted my life to be so hard. I never wanted to be so closed off. I never asked to be left alone until I knew I had no choice. Being alone has been one of the best things that has come out of my life because it allows me to look back and find out where I neglected myself. 

During that process I have found out how resilient I am in life and how I never allow something to keep me down too long. I am a strong woman who can do anything she puts her mind to but has had a terrible habit of dimming her light because she is scared of the spotlight. I would rather be the person behind the scenes because I don't have to deal with the judgement of the world. I have learned that sometimes your fear is where you should be headed. 

I refuse to allow any fear of mine to continue to hold me back and i will push forward and persevere in everything life brings. I have had such a hard time because I refused to face my fears. Today I am taking pride in who I am, what I can do, and I am going to keep pushing forward and thrive like I should have years ago. No longer will I be dimming my light because I do not like attention or the surrounding because sometimes you have to stand in a room with your critics and let you light shine.

 I am proud of who I am how I can perfect anything I do in a short amount of time. I am proud of who my mother raised and who my father created. I have never broken when I was left to deal with something on my own. I am who I am! I may not have it all now, but I will soon. Life will no longer have ahold on me for whatever it chooses. I will stand in my purpose and do what I am called to do. I am finding my purpose and from what I can see my purpose is to tell my story and many more.

As the saying goes "We are our own worst critics", and until we realize that we are putting our energy in places it should not be we will not have success. the process will be scary and one fear we all have is failing, but in order to succeed you have to fail at least once. It's a learning process that scares the shit out of majority of us, but I am here to tell you the more faith you have in self the more you will be willing to go forward. 

blocking out memories is the worst

 I have this thing I do when I am not happy with someone physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. I can understand blocking out trauma like SA, physical abuse, mental abuse, etc., but to block out the memories of a person for other reasons is kind of crazy. I have forgotten simple things about a person i was still talking to because it seemed like they did not care. I have blocked out sexcapades with an individual because he was lacking in the area I was using. I have blocked out memories of family members. The craziest part is I literally have no remorse about forgetting certain things. Then there is a time when you get a reminder of why you blocked out the memory and you are instantly pissed at yourself. All because they may make up for the memory you blocked out in plenty other ways.

You don't want to be an ass so you just thug it out for the moment. You even wonder if they know about it and how they would feel if you said something. Sometimes you honestly just want to blurt it out and don't give a damn how they feel because why? you start wondering " WTF was I thinking?", " Whose idea was it to create some shit like this?". Now you are asking all kinds of questions because now you are so upset with yourself for even opening that door back up. When you finally lighten up on yourself you laugh about the whole situation and this time you remember.

During the visit you want to ask questions like, what time you leaving? What time do you have to be at work? You try to throw every hint in the book that the day or night is over, but they are missing every single one. It's like their ears are velcroed down and they can only hear what they want. When you finally get some space, the relief is imminent and amazing, the shower is even better and that memory lasts forever.

 I am a Pisces and for me each day is different, every day your mood changes. I love hard and regret I later.  Sometimes we wake up and we are perfectly fine. Others we have a hard time dealing, mentally, so we just want to isolate. As we isolate it gives us a chance to figure out what it is that we will be doing to better our day, mental state, or emotional state. As a Pisces, I can actually say that is not something easy to do with us. We are definitely a handful and if you are not ready to deal with more than one world then haul ass. We are protective, caring, nurturing, but we can also have the worst attitude. We are not too hard to deal with; in my eyes we just understand the amount of love we give off. The version you get depends on the version you give. We can be your everything as long as the same energy is reciprocated and we are lovers. 

Personally, I do not expect much from anybody who comes in my life because if they want to be here, they will automatically do what needs to be done. I am not begging one person to stay in my life because I live in a different world most times anyway. No matter where I go, I always find my mental corner, even if it is sitting in the middle of the event. I do not have to talk to anyone while I am out. I like to be left alone to enjoy whatever it is that I am doing. I do not like attention but sometimes you have to use what you have to get what you want. I have this ora that attracts so many in real life why not utilize it and monetize it? 

I wish I could turn this ora down but unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. I don't want to be yelled at from moving traffic, while sitting at stop lights, or even while in a parking lot. I am a relationship person who is very emotionally, mentally, and spiritually aware of their surroundings. Being intuitive and aware can hurt in so many ways, I feel like I have to have entirely too much self-control because not only am I feeling my feeling but the people closest to me as well. It is something I have tried to change over the years but unfortunately, it's just me! So, I have learned to block my feelings, which is super hard for me, but hey, I make it happen.

The Aftermath

 After all that has been said and done things still do not turn around. Seems as though things are getting harder and harder to manage. The doors you try to open that you really do not want to stay closed. You start to feel you r anxiety trying to make an appearance, but you just keep thinking about the last time she showed up. She showed her tail, and you are still trying to come back from it. Whilst pushing her back you continue to push forward for whatever it is that is current. Ignoring the dating world, isolating yourself and trying to focus on what needs to be done. Since there are no hard feeling between the two you do still communicate and you may see him, he has no clue that the tears in your eyes are no longer from him. Those are tears of disappointment in yourself. 

Just the thought of him does not hurt like it used to, what is getting you at this moment is how you fucked up. All your mind is saying is "It was not supposed to be this way!", " What the fuck have I done?", " What can I do to fix my life?" and you constantly wonder what is wrong with you. grieving anything is done in a process, sometimes that process includes self-reassurance. With the way life has been going lately, I think we all need a little reassurance. We are making decision that we are unsure of and leaving all caution to the wind and somehow some of us come out on top but then there are the others. 

 Which leaves me to think we are the minority. We are the one the whole world has no hope in, and we still strive everyday just to keep breathing. We are the ones who go unnoticed every minute of every day. We are the ones who fight our battles in silence and deal with emotional disabilities. We are the ones whom nobody sees our battles and how it leaves us feeling because we paint a beautiful picture because we are never seen anyway. 

Somethings wrong II

 In his mind he was leaving me in a good position because I had a car and a home while his was broken and he was going to stay with family for a while. He did not take into consideration that I had all of these things to do on such a low income. He did get a new tire for the car before leaving but after his announcement my brain was preparing to go into overdrive to survive. I spent all day out in these streets driving, I wanted to take a day off and knew I did not have the time or money. I never realized what all of this running was doing to me, I just knew I had to do it. I pushed myself so hard I had no clue how tired I was. I used coffee to keep me going on some night others I called it quits. 

I felt drained every morning and never paid it any attention, that Friday I woke up, got dressed and headed out to make some more money without thinking twice about it. I worked until 3, went to five and below, did a favor for my uncle, helped my mom and I made it home by 6. While at five and below I ran into a family friend who informed me of one of my sisters in laws birthday party. Being that I had not been out in so long and needed an outlet to help with my emotions I planned to go. Not even an hour later my sister calls me to inform me of the same event while my uncle is telling me as well. I then find out we are meeting at 9 at the club, remember I got home at 6 had to shower and get dressed then go back to pick my uncle up for the event.  While at the event I am having a good time. I am not allowing my heartache to intervene with my night. I had 3 drinks by 1:20a.m and we left at 1: 45a.m, I took my uncle back home and was headed home until my sister called me to come to her house.

 Now even now I am fine, no radio, no nothing to entertain me while I ride. I get to her house, and we are chilling, as I am sitting there my brain says, "Go home!" so around 2:45 I decide to go home. This is the first time since my ex broke up with me that I honestly wanted to be at home. As I am on my way home I am talking to a friend on the phone. Our conversation ends a little after 3a.m, I am literally around the corner from my house, I turn the corner to go down a winding street before reaching my house and my eyes get heavy, my brain says "stop" but it too late. I fall asleep behind the wheel and hit a park car. This night I caught 3 charges and luckily avoided jail. 

My car is totaled, my brain is wrecked, my anxiety is high, and I am lost at this point. I have no clue how I am going to manage without transportation. I felt as though my life was falling apart. I laid in bed all night trying to sleep and couldn't, I just laid there tossing and turning for hours on end. I honestly got about three hours of sleep in a twenty-four-hour time period. 

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Something's wrong

That moment when you have fallen for someone you never thought of talking to. they are younger than you in life and new to the feeling of a real relationship. You know he is young, so you try to give him the time he needs. Everything works out fine for the first few years, then all of a sudden, he changes. Yea you may have done some shit that he did not like or approve of, but he did have a choice in the matter. It started to feel like he was emotionally trying to pull away but he couldn't. The feeling of wanting a baby was surreal and causing damage. I had to get some things done before I could, so we were going through it.

My car breaks because I bought a lemon from a supposed to be family member and he refused to compensate me. I even offered to buy another car, and he gave me the run around on that. My dude was looking for a second job at the time, and I was looking for a car. I felt like a burden on him. He did not want to take me to work because my job parking lot was chaotic, he did not like having to stop for coffee in the morning. It started to feel like everything me annoyed him. that was within a month and a half time span, two weeks later he ends up getting a job to replace the first one. Yes, he informed of his decision but literally two weeks before it happened. So, I put all my time in for the week hoping I could figure something out but knowing I wouldn't.  The thing is I don't have a lot of friends I can depend on to do anything. So, I ended up losing my job due to no transportations and then his car broke. He made a decision without me, thought that decision was the only option, if we would have planned it better it would have worked out properly. Instead, he chose to bear all the weight. 

As the months go by, we still have not caught up. He is overwhelmed, my brain is saying "He did it he can fix it, he didn't want my help before he doesn't need it now!", but my heart is saying, " girl, this shit in your name, as always, you have to do something!". So, I decided to help out instead of arguing about it because I knew that was not going to do anything. He never admits when he is wrong about stuff like that. For Months I drove door dash, took him back and forth to work, helped my mom and grandma, helped my kids, school visits, hospital visits, etc. I was running my body down, not because he asked me to but because I had a goal too. It seemed as though I would not meet my goal because everything of mine had to be sacrificed to help fix what he caused. 

I slept maybe five to six hours a day if I did not have to take my grandchild to school due to her either not having a bus or missing the bus. At this time, he paid the down payment for a car so we would not be in the rental anymore but only because he was tired of hearing my mouth. I made one hundred dollars a day door dashing and I started with zero most days. Yea I drove it most, but I was putting forty dollars a day in the tank because he worked maybe 20 miles away. which was down the street from the job I ended up losing. Once we were closer to being caught up, he decided he wanted to leave so he can sow his royal oats. He was only focused on his goals, although he made good money, we could never use his name on any place we moved to, but he was upset we were still in an apartment, we both wanted a house. 

Now before I say this nest part, don't get me wrong he has not always been like that. Selfish yes but not to the point where he ignored me in that way. Something happened and it changed him. One week after being on different pages for about three days, he wakes up and says, " I think we should go our separate ways!" At this point he sees my weight loss, and he feels like him wanting a child is the cause, but it wasn't. He had no clue I was barely eating because I felt like I couldn't afford to. He did not know the sacrifices I was making to help clean up his mistake. I was never home unless it was an hour break or to sleep. I was always moving. He felt like I was stressing about what he wants but I felt like he had someone else. 

When he left, I was still behind, remember he just got the car, so I still had thirty-day tags, that were now expired. Rent was due again in two weeks, car insurance was cancelled due to non-payment, car needed and oil change, radiator and engine flush, a new radio because it did not work. I needed to wash clothes, clean my house, get some food because we had none and build my bank account. While he left with two jobs paying more than fifteen dollars and hour that I also provided transportation to and from in the car he paid the down payment on. Sitting outside his job for maybe an hour waiting for him for almost five months. The earlier I got home from picking him up I would go back out and dash for another hour or two. 

When he had days off, he would spend most of his time in the room playing the game, sleep or chilling while I am running in and out every couple of hours. No, I was not napping in between, even after he left, I took him to work for a week, I was mad, but I had no hard feelings because who am I to keep him from trying. He even told me the dude he got the car from was waiting for me to miss a payment so he could take the car back. I felt like I was set up to fail although it may not have been his intention. 

My thoughts for the day

 You never know how much you love a person until that person is not there. When they are you find all kinds of things that bother you but never want to leave. It's always the little things that make you happy, the little attitudes that bug you, the small but damaging words they may say to you. Through it all you stay because the annoyance is real but not enough. Although they annoy you, they make you feel seen, loved, and appreciated in their own little way. At the time you may not see it, but it is definitely there. You may only see the negative ways they treat you because that was not a part of your vision. Just that alone is hard to bear because you know what you deserve, have done or need. Either party may feel inadequate due to treatments rendered by both. 

Sometimes you just have to listen and act on what you heard. you cannot expect someone to honor what you want if you can't honor theirs. It goes both ways, in order for a relationship to work there has to be a meeting point. One individual can't be the only one making sacrifices for the success of the other. Both dreams are equally important. Not one person is more important than the other and no one should feel that way. Annoyance turns to silence and silence turns to anger. Noone is perfect in a relationship, each individual has their faults, the right person knows what to do without having to be told. 

One thing I can say is careful who you do vent to in your relationship because everybody is not happy for you. Some people will tell you whatever they feel like you need to hear to come between you and your person. Your person may be gullible to certain people as well as you and allow them to plant little seeds to breakdown your love. Some people allow for their own wants and need to interfere with love because they know what they want. As long as the decision is that persons and only theirs, respect their choice and deal with your hurt. 

Surviving

 After going through all the emotions, I may possibly experience, I have to come back to reality. Coming back to reality means realizing you now have nothing but a home. It's understanding what you have to do to survive. Sometimes to survive we have to depend on assistance from the government, or we have to rub two nickels together to make a quarter. What does surviving feel like? Surviving feels like you are free-floating and the only way you are still alive is because of your nose., it's like drowning in shallow water. You do what need to be done to fill in the blanks and make yourself feel adequate enough for your life. 

Sometimes it's not the income that is causing the issue, sometimes it's just life. In order to make it life sometimes we have to push ourselves and we push ourselves over our limit. As mothers, fathers, spouses and caregivers sometimes we do not have time for ourselves. Our brains can't make sense of personal time if we are behind in life. Surviving is finding a way to fix what broke or replace what you lost. Your focus deepens, your responsibilities increase, your body gets tired, you lose sleep and you become overwhelmed. 

Most times while surviving you can barely maintain your daily life because of the cost of living or the pay does not fit the community. The more the cost of living goes up the less possible it is to handle daily, monthly responsibilities. In today's world we are all surviving, trying to thrive and make the best of our lives. 

At war

One thing I have been trying to battle is this was between my heart and my brain. Those two give me a run for my money every time. It may be a little worse than Anxiety and Depression.  My brain says be patient this is temporary, but my heart saying move on. My brain may say don't be stupid, but my heart will say girl go for it. I don't know why it feels like they are always working against each other in stressful situations.  But when things are going ok it seems to work out. 

One thing I refuse to be is a dummy, because what am I holding on to? Why am I holding on? Yes, they say let it go, if it is meant for you it will return, but will it be the same? Will there be equal sacrifices? Then we really start to question the validity of the situation. Is this really for me? Why is this for me? Why me?  An overthinker always needs an answer and when I am left to think about the rights, wrongs, and possibilities of the situation it always goes negative. 

While going through life not understanding what and why this is happening to me it became very clear that I do not handle stress too well. Although I may know this, I still have certain triggers that causes me to mentally and emotionally go against myself. I think I am the problem I downplay the other end and take all the blame, then turn around and pass the blame and take it back every time the situation is the same. 

One thing I have realized about myself is I have to talk it out, so if you don't know how you better be willing to work on it or know how! I am one that should never be left in this war alone, I will come up with every scenario possible, I may need to get that checked, lol. My heart is big, and I care too much so when my heart has had enough it pulls out and lets my brain takeover. My brain is more considerate because that chick there has to think about consequences, karma, blessings. It annoys me to the utmost when I love someone.

 I always give them the benefit of the doubt although I really know the truth. Then my mind starts to go in overdrive with anger when I go unseen, unheard, or become unimportant. This makes me even more mad at myself for having false faith and hope in something I knew was not going to work from the point of me having the first feeling. The underestimation of me has become like a virus because some men have no clue how to handle a damaged woman, but my dumb ass still has faith. 

See, that is what bothers me the most, I have more faith in life than I do myself. Today I realized it is time for me to take that same faith and place it within myself, because the coordination of my mental and emotional location and reaction depends on if they are located in the same coordinates, lol. May sound crazy but think about it, they work hand in hand and if your brain is at a party, but your heart is in your bed, you can't enjoy it as much. I am aligning everything and reaching for the stars from here on out. 

Focused and Ready

 Today I woke up motivated and ready to get my life back on track. I have mentally processed my feelings and putting things in order. It took two weeks for this to happen because each emotional issue took a week out of me. I had to figure out a way to beat them both quick. My life was falling apart financially. I dug deep down and revisited some of my own actions and responses. Doing that I realized how strong I am as a mother, daughter and all around African American female. My strengths are something immaculate and it is what keeps me favored. 

There have been so many times I should not have been here physically, I feel my ancestors protected me several times because someone is trying to take me out spiritually. I refuse to allow them to succeed, which takes me to my first strength, self-motivation. This is one of my biggest strengths, it allows me to see my worth and makes me understand some of what my purpose is, which keep me from suicidal thoughts. I also have the power of Love, which allows me to never hate myself, but allows disappointment.

The love I have for me, my kids, and my family is what keeps me going a little more. They are my light in the darkness although sometimes they can be a little annoying. The way I love is whole-heartedly and it can also be a burden at the same time. I love too hard and most people can't take the amount of love I have to give. My strengths will help me keep my head high and light the way in the darkness, although it may take some time. I love me enough to know or try to figure out why I have the problems I have. I love myself enough to accept my faults. 

Acceptance is key

 At this point I am finally accepting what it is and more focused on what I need to strive. It is hard for me to go through my feelings because I have to go through levels. Anxiety is always up first and that bitch is crazy, she will make me push myself to exhaustion. She always has to make a dramatic appearance and fuck some shit up. She is dangerous and carefree; she does not care what has to happen to make it work. Every single time she makes me overthink everything and drives me crazy. She is that wildfire that is only controlled by love and understanding. She needs acceptance. She does not need approval; she is not as self-aware as she needs to be. She is just as messy as a toddler with pudding. 

Then Depression kicks in and now the two are fighting of power. Anxiety is strong but when she has no choice but to accept, she quiets down. She becomes minimal and more verbal. Depression makes me sit and think about what I can do about my situation after crying about it for about a week. She can be relentless and overpowering in so many ways. She drags me down to a point where I have no energy to deal with daily tasks. She is who I fear the most. She loses all care for everything including life. She does not want to do anything including life. 

I can deal with anxiety, but depression is a motherfucker. Calming anxiety is not as hard as calming depression, so I had to learn how to go through my feelings without allowing anxiety to fly out of control. Honestly, I am still learning this. It is not something you can master in a short amount of time because it is not something that happens for me all the time. This only occurs when life takes so much from me and I have to climb out of the hole on my own, which is every time. It is definitely a process that I had to accept and embark on. 

I can honestly sit here now and say that I am proud of myself for even learning how to handle this, accepting the diagnosis, and knowing some of my triggers. The more I go through the more I learn about me. I may have these emotional issues, but they will not keep me from what I am supposed to be.  I know who I am, what I deal with and what I need to do. 

 Realizing and understand your mistakes is the first step to healing from something deep. All the blame is not on one person; you share that blame just as much as you share a bed. Mentally you have to understand your faults and false dreams as well as you heart. the two are completely different. In order to have no hard feelings towards each other you have to respect how it made the other feel at the moment or continuously. Understand that you are not always right and it is okay to try new things to make something work. Realize that your approach to everything may not have been the right approach and you could have handled it differently. 

Instead of thinking about it in a selfish more vengeful way to make yourself feel better, be more realistic to reality. Nobody is perfect, everyone has flaws, no matter how much they do to hide them. Living life and being happy with life is not only financial. Money brings several things, but pure happiness is not one of those things, it's called being content and satisfied. Everyone needs someone but that someone will not be easy to hold onto. Making sure you know your own faults will help you be more successful at finding what you want in life and who you want to share it with. 

Know your worth and what you will do to live up to it. Never dull your light for someone else to shine. Always polish your own glow before doing anything else. Accept or change your flaws and make the best out of what life has to offer. 

Recovery

After months of feeling lost, weeks of feeling depressed, I finally got enough courage to say enough is enough. Today I woke up feeling like it is time for me to let go and heal, since healing is the hardest for me. I do not hold grudges, but I will never let anyone else treat me any way the made me feel some type of way before. So, I will always remember the feeling I felt at that moment. I will always remember how I felt when I felt belittles, condescended, or inadequate. I have never been made to feel as though I was not enough but to know that feeling, I apologize to everyone who had to endure that. 

    Feeling like you not enough no matter what you do is a terrible feeling that hangs on to you even after the breakup. The inadequacy of the whole situation leaves you wondering if it was genuine or was it a game. When it is okay for someone to feel or go through something but not you something has to change. You start to dig deep inside yourself and try to monetize every hour of the day and end up wearing yourself out. I have overexerted myself to the point of a fresh start, only thing missing is a new place. Which will come sooner than I think as long as I keep pushing forward. 

     What makes today different is the calmness I feel inside me. Today I just feel like I need to make a change and let my heart rest. I will no longer be pressed; I will let him watch me and I will not regret it. I am a work in progress, and I am healing from a lot of traumas piece by piece. One day soon I will be whole again and life will be better.

I woke up broken

Breaking up is not always easy for either person involved. Just having to make the decision to leave or let go without a fight is hard, especially when you really love that person. I'm not talking about that temporary love, I am talking about that life seems empty without your love. Waking up every day feels so different. Just doing daily tasks feels wrong and purposeless, so you have to figure out a way to continue to move on daily. It is even harder if you have depression or anxiety and refuse to take your medications because of the side effects. Leaving your heart super heavy, your mind wandering, and it feels like your life is spiraling out of control. Not a single night is easy, especially if you still have everything the two of you shared together. Just laying in bed feels so good because that is the most memorable spot because the two of you spent so much personal time together in the room watching tv, playing the game, etc. All you can think about is what caused the breakup and what could have been done differently on your part. Constantly beating yourself up mentally has become a part of you daily activities and you feel so lost. Time seems to be going faster, and life seems to be getting harder due to rising prices. The lack of support is visible, the lack of understanding is confusing, the abundance of emotions is inevitable. Desperation starts to knock, and you ignore every knock while trying your hardest to stay on the right path. You end up at war with yourself because you blame yourself for everything. Making yourself feel worse than anybody else can because you are your own worst critic. you blame yourself for even trying, hoping, and/or praying that it will work. You blame yourself for opening your heart, arms, and/or doors allowing this person to get so close. You find every way to blame yourself and not the other person regardless of the fact because you should have had you. You start to realize every single fault and turn your frustrations towards the other individual and now you are on a whole different level of aggression. Now you gave to figure out how to channel that energy or where to put it. Out of all of the emotional turmoil you know there is still a chance, but will the wait be worth the emotional distress you went through in the beginning? Is all the backlash you endured for being stupid worth it? Will you ever see them the same? Then there are so many questions about the other person involved, good and bad, making you question if you want to open that door back up. It's a process that is so painful to most that it causes them to isolate if not even more than before. It causes so many emotional problems that are not easy to overcome, even if you decide to open up again. Every bit of pain you endured during the process causes you to build walls and put yourself in a marble.

Loving the wrong person at the wrong time

The last few years have been amazingly crazy, I fell in love with a friend of mine's little brother, regardless of what this story say he is growing into an amazing man. We were 7 years part and none of this was intentional, I have not seen this man since he was in middle school. I never looked at him in any other way until this day. One day after work I decided to go out to this bar called Roadside, as I am chilling outside smoking a cigarette because it's a smoke free establishment, he walks up. When he walks up, I can't believe how grown he got. I was completely shocked. When I called his name, he turned around and looked at me with a smile. As i finished my cigarette, he had already gone inside with his friends, I was alone. When i re-entered the building, his eyes were on me as i stood by the DJ stand minding my own business. As the night went on, he always found a way to get my attention. When the bar closed most of us went to an after-hours spot to keep the party going. From that point on he would not let me out his sight. when i wanted to sit it had to be close to him or on is lap. All the females were eyeing us with envy because he was the sexiest chocolate man in building. That night he posted on that little blue app that he was not leaving without it and we swapped numbers. The next day we talked on the phone for hours before we went to sleep. I never thought getting his call or hearing his voice would be the highlight of my day. We talked every night and decided to get a hotel room one weekend. When we finally did get the room, it was more relaxing than I could have ever thought it could be. We laid up under each other for two days; we never left the room. Now our living situations were not the best, and we were trying to fix them on our own, but time was not on our side. I had already applied to a complex and was approved i just needed to pay the deposit on a low income. We eventually moved in with each other and honestly it happened so fast, but we fell in love. He was caring, loving and attentive in the first few years. He always had to touch me whether it was a foot, a leg or something of his had to be on me. He always made sure I knew how he felt although he never really expressed it verbally. We may have had financial difficulties, but we always found a way out of it together. I was driving cabs, and he was in-between jobs trying to find the right fit for him at the moment. I did what needed to be done as the woman of the house and i worked, cooked, cleaned, etc. even after he started working which did not take long. We were not perfect, but we were perfect for each other at that time in our lives. Within two years after moving in together we both had a major trauma happen and we comforted each other to best of our abilities. We fell in love so fast it was shocking to the both of us. He was infatuated with me, and I was head over heels for him. We used to plan dates and talk to each other about some of the craziest things. Then when his trauma happened, he changed as a person. He became distant and less affectionate; he was less caring and unavailable to my feelings. I understood his loss completely because of the dynamic of their relationship but why did I have to suffer? He was treated like a king and respected as one, that was even his name in my phone. The way I was raised is to play your part and speak up about how you feel but never fold! So, I played my part, and I still supported him in ways he did not for me. I sacrificed so much for this man without him even asking and he never acknowledge a thing I did. He actually told me what I was doing at that time was not what he was looking for. I was confused.... He wants a wife but not right now. He loves me but does not see me? If you like what you are reading so far, please respond and give your honest opinion and how interested you are. This is actually an insert from my book but before releasing it I want some honest opinions. Thanks in advance!!!!! No names were given for a reason and if you know who this person is he knows what I do and told me to do what makes me happy. This makes me happy.... run tell that!

Sometimes we as humans can be seen as weak and invaluable to the other which leaves little space to get to know the truth, because mentally we have already decided. On the other hand we expect people to respect our names and if they do not we take it to a different level making a small situation worse. I personally do not blame us because that is exactly how the world is set up. No matter what you do in life you have to prove yourself, gain, respect, give respect, appreciate and advance. We pay for things that should be free, suffer financially because of selfishness and we are still expected to thrive in life. Some of us are dicarded because we can not keep up a look or finance a fancy life, then you have those who can afford to do as they please and wear what they want with no judgement. Everbody was trained to think this way from school, there was always a group of people who connected more than the others and they all had their own tables at lunch. The teachers would pick and choose who was trying the hardest or just because. Certain people were exempt from dress code, absences, class activities. When will we realize the legal system and the government is just about the same. easch level looks at each one differently. Republicans thinks Democrats are a a joke. The president is really just the fall guy in some situations. Now these are just my thoughts and there is no validity in my statement about how republican feel but they do not do a good job at hiding it. Mentally we were all fucked when we entered the public school system in regards to how we treat people because some of us were bullies. Let's be honest a lot of us were bullies.....for no damn reason. you can say you never bullies someone but if you constantly went after someone who may have said or did something you did not like instead of letting it go.. you bullied someone. If you were on the cheerleading squad you would pick and choose who was good enough for you to date and a regular studen was rarely ever the case especially if you were captain. If you played football your main goal was to get as many girls as you could in the run of you career from start. Musicians were similar to football players except their craft required more focus, so you often seen them alone and half the time you never knew who they were talking to unless you either saw them or knew them. Every thing in our lives has been grouped/ categorized/ controled one way or the other. WAKE UP!!!!!!! We hav to treat each other better and stop degrading each other's lives.

Being a sibling Being a sibling of six kids has not been easy for me. I am not the oldest but I am not the youngest either, I sit in the middle of them all. I have more of a spiritual connection to them than they do to me and I hurt from the things they say and do. Our relationships are so distant and boring when we are are around each other. My oldest brother has been missing since I was nineteen, the last time I seen him he was travelling with the circus and on drugs as all circus employees eventually tend to do if they are weak minded, he called the police on himself and left. The funny thing is him and our father share the same name and nobody even knew he called the police. When the police arrived he was no where to be found and my dad is standing there looking retarded in the face because he been drinking while I am standing in the doorway laughing.The whole explanation of the phone call was hilarious and my dad has his mouth wide open. when the police left my dad said "that motherfucker". the next to the oldest is a girl, she has a heart of pure gold but can be mean and will cut you off faster than you can clip a nail. Her and I have no main issues and I do miss her a lot. Although she is not far I think there is a reason she moved so far away from family. Even today I haven't spoken with her since she had her surgery and that was on my mom's phone. The oldest middle child has been in trouble majority of his life and has spent a total of nineteen years behind bars in two different cities and still counting. He was incarcerated at the age of sixteen for grand larceny, he was sentenced to thirty years and served sixteen and came home, he was doing well eventually it became obvious he was doing some type of drug because he started to change as a person. He turned into somebody I could not recognize and all I could do was pray. He ended up getting incarcerated again and doing three more years. You would think after Nineteen years in jail somebody would learn to survive in the real world to avoid losing their freedom. It's not that easy though, sometime people who sit in jail for years on years end up being institutionalized mentally and physically. The younger they are the more likely they are to become dependent on any and everybody because they have no clue on how to take care of themselves. Going to prison at sixteen for him and being released at thirty-two was the icing on the cake. He went from being cared for by our mother to being cared for by the system, not knowing what it's like to have to work hard for what you want, all he knows is I can take it. When they released him after sixteen years he should have went to a half-way house before coming straight home. At least that way he would have some restrictions to follow which would show him to respect other people's rules. He would have had to maintain a job so he can see how it feels to work hard for something and he would not be able to roam the real world freely his access to the real world would be limited. he would be able to see how much the world has changed since he left and get more caught up with the times. Today he is currently back in jail for breaking into two different liquor stores five times because he never received the proper help for his problems. I cant tell you how many drugs he has done, I can't tell you the depths of his life, but I can tell you he needs professional help, not just someone to talk to. I hate to say it but he is a professional thief and can take anything regardless of the situation. My heart hurts for him but at the same time I blame him because it was like he did not want to learn anything different than what he already knew if it was not an easy come up. After him is another boy, he is the quiet one but will turn into something scary if needed. he comes around if he does not have to work but he stays away more. you may be able to reach him on social media, if he is on, but it may take a few hours maybe even day to get a response. He is really a loner and lives a private life and chooses who he is going to reach out to. He has never really changed but he grew apart form the family in his own way and there is nothing wrong with that. I am next in line, no my life has not been all peaches and cream, I have been incarcerated, homeless and depressed. Being that I am the oldest daughter my father has with my mother I was expected to do so much but didn't have the support system I needed. by the time I was in eighth grade I had already been to three different schools so stability was always slacking. The summer of my eighth grade year I was molested by my uncle on my fathers side and told not to tell anybody but I already had. The same night I was molested I informed my uncle's wife because she had three girls to look after and ran away.I ended up fighting her for the next three years. That situation turned my life around because before that I would no allow any guy t do nothing sexual to me other than kiss me. I started experimenting sexually without penetration then eventually I graduated to sex. I was more interested in guys than I ever was before by the eleventh grade I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. Before it actually happened to me I never understood how it affects a females mind. Regardless of her age it will have some type of affect on her, it makes us feel as though we did something wrong or it lowers our self-esteem. For me, I loss a lot of self-esteem and the guys were no help because They would always tell me I look good from the neck down. I started stripping in the tenth grade but I never did clubs because I was too young so it was only private parties mostly thrown by me, all while maintaining my grades and cheering for a recreational team. I got wild and I am not proud of it but within my mistakes I learned a lot. My worth was one of them and I had to rebuild my self-esteem and learn to take pride in who I am. by the time I was twenty-eight I had three kids and lost one in a custody battle when she was four. I had to pay child support, got locked up for not paying child support and caught criminal charges. Today I am in a happy relationship and have all three of my girls, although it took some time I accomplished some of my goals and I have a man who is willing to be by my side through it all. Next is my headache but two-thirds of my heartbeat, she is a sweet-heart but has a evil side that is just plain evil. She has a great personality but she is just mean for no damn reason. It's like she forgot we went through some shit with our parents together. I also protected her from some of it as well. At one point in time if I went somewhere she was right there with me unless she was too young to go. All of a sudden she was too self-absorbed to see what was in front of her in regards to family. Not one time did she extend a hand to watch my kids while I go to work so i could maintain my home but every time she needed me I was there. Not one time did I spread any rumors about her or say anything negative in regards to her or her life. I honestly feel as though she is upset because she expected more from me but haven't taken into consideration that I was left to help with the bills at mom and dads because her boyfriend parents or guardians came to my first home with the police looking for him because he was filed as a runaway in Hampton. Granted what I was doing was illegal but if they didn't have a reason to come they would n't have been there. today she is doing very well and pregnant with her third child but our relationship is rocky and almost non-existent. Out of all of my sibling I though she would be the main one I could call and talk to or even get advice from, although I am the oldest, I do not know everything. I am honestly proud of who she has become and what she has made of her life, I just wish we could be as close as we use to be before she hit puberty. Last but not least is my baby sister, she was kept a secret for the first few years of her life until things got out in the open. She was the outcast out of all of us. Nobody but me wanted her around and that was very clear. she is just like the rest of us in her own way, because we share a father we all ave something that keeps us connected physically. We all resemble him in one way or the other,she is his female twin and she holds so much animosity towards him for neglecting his responsibilities. She has an amazing personality and so much to look forward to but at the same time she is facing so much right now as her life progresses. We communicate more than any of the others and that is because I accepted her with open arms, although she is not my mother's child. In my heart, she did not choose to be put in the middle of this situation and she should not have to suffer for his wrong doings. Her mother raised a strong woman with exceptional learning abilities. All in all we all have our own problems and are working on them in own way or we have just grown apart form each other. I love each and every one of my siblings and wish them nothing but the best. One thing they do need to know is my phone line is always open and I would love to hear from them more often. A phone call goes a long way and i hate that we have grown to be this way. The last boy needs prayer and help, so to all of you reading this please keep us in your prayers. Thanks for taking the time to read my personal thoughts and some of my life. I am deeply sorry for keeping you guys waiting and not at least popping in but I am hoping to post a little more since my life is calming down.

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I found love in a familiar face and I was not too sure about it, He has always been around I just never knew about it who would have thought it would be you? All grown up and learning life's rules doing the things a real man should do! you love me for me and I love you for you! through it all I will still stick it through! Never not once have I thought of you or thought i would love you the way i do. But as time passed and our conversation grew, my heart just tuned into you No one else can take your place, You are the only man in this race! i have been in this race with poise and grace. keeping my lead while keeping faith Love is not a one way race,it takes two, your spouse and you. You and I are standing strong, loving hard and holding our own! Taking each day and making it count. We have build a bond so tight, I cant see me without him every night! Our bodies fit perfect, our minds are a unit, our live have intertwined. whats was mine is now ours and the other way around! You are my king and you wear that crown well, making me more calm and relaxed. So i wear the crown of you queen with pride, ready to take this lifelong ride. You make my heart skip a beat, your touch makes me feel unique. My skin tingles at the touch of just a finger, mentally driving me crazy. I promise to be all you may ever need and support your every dream.